From -> Back Slash Arthur was shoved into the small room with enough force to propel him against the far wall. He got up and turned to curse the guards, but they had already left, closing the door behind them. "What the hell?" Arthur asked the familiar faces gathered in the room. "Do any of you know why we were all rounded up like this?" Jim shrugged. "John and I were working on my car when they showed up in an unmarked van and herded us in at gunpoint. It must be something pretty serious." "They grabbed me but left my girlfriend behind," Kevin complained, "and the first thing they did when they got me here was submit me to a full body cavity strip-search." Several of the others groaned. "Actually, I rather enjoyed that part," Liam exclaimed. "I've always found anal stimulation to be a funky, zany thing. And not just for elitists. Have you ever noticed how much an anus looks like a donut?" "Actually," a new voice said, "I've always thought Barbara's looked like a bundt cake." The prisoners turned to see President Bush enter the room, flanked by two heavily armed secret service agents and an army general. "Oh, shit..." John muttered. "What's this about, sir?" Pat groveled. "I'll tell you," Bush began. "Since we're having more troubles with this Iraq thing than I had counted on, severe measures are required. But I can't do anything directly. It wouldn't be prudent to violate the executive order against assassinations, not at this juncture. If Congress or the media found out, we'd have a whole, you know, scandal thing all over again." "What's your point?" Arthur interrupted. "I was hoping you'd ask me that," the President replied, making more obscure hand gestures. "While I can't do anything about Saddam, who really is another Hitler, you know, there's no reason why private citizens, doing that vigilante, mercenary thing, couldn't take him out on their own." "Why us?" Kevin asked. "We have reason to believe," the general began, consulting some files he had brought with him, "that your group would be highly qualified for a secret penetrate-and-destroy mission. We've been watching you for some time, and you seen to have just the assortment of abilities we're looking for. That, and the fact that you're the only civilian group we know of with an atomic bomb. We haven't got any proof, but we know you have it somewhere." "So, you see," Bush said, waggling his left arm, "unless you want to do the prison thing, we can keep you forever! Forever! You should do what we want. Besides, with those alias things of yours, you already have code names. Saves us the trouble of making them up." The general handed out envelopes labeled "Back Slash", "GWIII", "Sergeant Friday", "Lime Jell-O", "Zork Pendragon", and "Madmouser". "If any of you refuse to go on this mission," the general said, "you may not even live to stand trial for treason." The captives quickly decided that they'd accept the mission to infiltrate Iraq and kill Saddam Hussein. They opened up their mission briefing envelopes. From -> Lime Jell-O First off, the Heavy-Duty Towel-Head Killing Crew moved out of the room (or rather, were forced out) into the bright sunlight at which point they were issued "ETHEL", the Ever So Wacky Top Secret Ultra Elite SAAB 99 (actually, the vehicle wasn't that elite, but all other vehicles had been destroyed by those ever so nasty stationary objects). They all crowded into ETHEL THE WACKY SAAB and headed off towards Baghdad, stopping off first for a case of fried chicken TV dinners with nut fudge brownie that they consumed frozen due to that fact that for some unusual reason ETHEL had not been equipped with a food-warming object. As they reached the end of the pier in NY, NY (yes, they had actually managed to get out of Smithfield, even with Sir Jell-O the Lime driving...) Madmouser said, "hey asshole! How the fuck are we going to reach Baghdad?" At that point Lime punched the ole toggle switch marked "EXTRA" and the whole posse o' vigilantes were catapulted into the air... Once they reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet Liam and Jocelyn disappeared into Pat's room for an hour... No, wait, that's not right... Oh yeah -- once they reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, a stewardess popped out of the doorless glove box and gave us all EAGLE SNACKS! At that point Lime Jello checked his "Handbook For The Egotistical and Socially Elite" to see if all this was politically correct or not... Where's Abbie Hoffman when ya need him? From -> Zork Pendragon "Ya know", Zork muttered, "now we that have this flying Saab thing, I wonder why we can't just fuck the whole mission and go back...." "Because", answered Slash, who had been the only one to bother opening his envelope labeled 'Back Slash', "it says here that if we just 'fuck the whole mission' strange and bizarre things could begin happening to our nearest and dearest. Nobody probably would notice any strange occurrences, what with all the auto accidents occurring recently." "Strange that most of us here have been in bad car accidents recently," added John. "Almost as if..." began Jim. "...Somebody were trying to snub us out," finished Arthur. [Now it is a well known Dragnet legend entitled "The Curse of the Camaro" (well, not that legendary, which is why I have to explain it). This is the legend of how every passenger in Frank Burnham's legendary somersault camaro accident has to, at some point, crash into a telephone pole. It happened to Aaron Harbour, it happened to Kevin Cafferty. It has not, however, happened to Liam Gray. Until today, that is.] "Liam, why the hell are we landing?!" yelled Madmouser. "I need some Snapple Iced Tea, the cooler's all out. We're just gonna stop at this convenience store right here. Hey that's a cute dog over there..." "Oh shit! Look out!" -=> CRASH <=- "I think I busted my nose!" "Oh, shut the fuck up, Kevin. You were in the back seat..." "Way to go, Liam!" "But, I didn't mean to... I just lost concentration for an instant." "I think someone tried to snuff us out again," Jim spoke silently. "I think Liam's a fucking idiot," Madmouser added less than empathetically. From -> Madmouser As our heroes got out of ETHEL, Liam stooped to inspect the car/jet wreck. He made the observation that everything was broken. Everything that once was straight was bent and everything that was bent was even benter. And sticking out of the bottom of the car was the nose cone of a SCUD missile! John, being the rational one never prone to hysterics, SCREAMED "Get the gas masks!" "Gas masks? What gas masks!?" replied Liam just as some noxious (and evil smelling) purple gas spewed out of the nose cone. One by one our heroes fell asleep, because it seems that even though the Germans sold Iraq all the technology to MAKE poison gas, they only sold them the recipes for sleep and laughing gas. Time passed... More time passed... The band awoke in a tent, surrounded by Bedouin nomads (and a liberal dosage of voluptuous blonds). Art started to say something, but was interrupted by the chief. "Hey... what the fuck do you think you're doing crashing near our camp!" "We um err ahhh," replied Art. "Our car got shot down and we need a ride!" added Kevin. "Ok," the chief said, "we'll let you use the blue Jeep." (The nomads sighed in wonder and awe) The chief led them out to the blue jeep, or what was left of it, because most of it had rusted away. He told them to go and never bother them again. The gang stuffed themselves into the jeep; and Pat started the engine, which roared to life, and they took off over the desert for Baghdad. From -> Zork Pendragon "Noooo! Come back!" Zork yelled to the voluptuous maidens as they hovered out of sight, the jeep moving onward ever faster over the desert. "Don't worry, Kev," Liam consoled, "maybe they were just mirages. At least your car isn't totaled... at least you still have your health." Arthur got very serious all of a sudden, he began to yell over the roar of the jeep's engine, which was purring like a brontosaurus, "Okay, so far we've been kidnapped by the government, given an assignment to assassinate Saddam Hussein, flown 30,000 feet in a Saab which was subsequently shot down by a SCUD missile ("So much for those things being inaccurate," Jim added ruefully), which then emitted a sort of sleeping gas, and we awoke to be assisted by these Bedouin nomad dudes who give us this piece of shit jeep to travel over the desert in. Lord knows WHICH desert this is. For all we know we could be Arizona... At least things seem to be going about as logically as can be expected in a Dragnet continuing story..." "You forgot the voluptuous babes near the nomadic tent, Art," John corrected. "Well, the way I see things now," Arthur continued, "We have to somehow get into Iraq, which is going to be extremely difficult, get into Hussein's palace, which is going to be even more difficult, and then get into his private chambers and murder him, which should make the rest seem easy. Right now, however, we seem to be not all that up on supplies, all the high-tech gadgets and junk still being in ETHEL, and lord knows where that could be right now. I suppose we need to secure some weapons." The Dragnet Hit-Squad drove on into the desert, realizing Kevin hadn't really progressed the plot whatsoever in Chapter 5 at all... From -> The Avatar Cut to Britannia, 0161 AD... The Avatar was sitting in the lonely chambers of Lord British peering into a crystal ball (lime colored, no doubt)... Watching what was happening to his DragNet compadres, he had a thought... "Hey! Why the hell wasn't I included in this damn story?" So, he decided he would call forth the power of the moon gate to once again assist him in traveling to the year 1991 AD... He came out of the moon gate in some strangely desolate place... He thought he could hear the soft rumbling of a car engine off in the distance... From -> Back Slash "Hey, who's that up ahead?" John asked. "I don't know... he's dressed awfully funny for any part of this world," Kevin replied. "Should we pick him up or run him over?" "He's probably just another DragNET person writing himself into the story," Arthur said. "We might as well pick him up. If we run over him, he'll just be brought back anyway." "He's dressed too strangely to be someone out to kill us," Liam said. "Anyone trying to kill us would have just rigged the jeep to explode," Jim pointed out. The jeep stopped. "How would they do that?" Pat asked. "I'd attach a bomb to the engine," John said. "Something like that one." "So this is it," Kevin quoted. "We're going to die." "Not necessarily," Arthur said. He whipped up a hover-conversion system and autopilot out of spare parts, and sent the jeep flying over the horizon. "There should be just enough fuel to get that jeep to Baghdad before it explodes." "Why didn't you just disarm the fucking bomb?" Pat asked. "Not dramatic enough," Jim replied. Saddam Hussein sat in his bunker, swallowing handfuls of Tylenol. Every five minutes, on the minute, another bomb launched by the great Satans hit his lovely city. He looked at a television monitor and saw a projectile, disguised as a blue jeep, heading straight for the motel where he kept his mistresses. It circled the building, flew down a chimney, and exploded. "Where do they get those wonderful toys?" Saddam asked his advisors. When they failed to answer, he shot them. "Get me more advisors!" Saddam yelled to an underling. "And hell, have them shot too. I'm getting sick of this shit." As revenge, even though it went against Geneva Conventions, Saddam prepared his most diabolical attack to date: he began broadcasting, on all frequencies, worldwide by satellite, old "Love Boat" reruns. "They won't be able to stand that for more than a week," he giggled evilly... On foot, our heroes meandered over to the oddly dressed desert goober. "Hail! I am called The Avatar!" the goober announced. "I am a man with great powers and spells! Unfortunately, I left them all back in 161 AD. But I did bring this keen recipe for Bison Jello with me..." "Well, Avatar," Liam said, quickly filling in the new member of the group (and any perpetually dense readers): "We're lost in an unknown desert, trying to find and kill a lunatic named Saddam so that our government won't kill us and our loved ones." "I seem to remember meeting most of you before, in previous DragNET stories," the Avatar replied. "None of you had loved ones then, which is why you always put voluptuous babes into the story as wish- fulfillment fantasies. Have there been any voluptuous babes in this story yet?" Kevin coughed and turned away. John yelled, "Yes we have girls ya PANSY! And it's too much trouble to find new ones, and besides, killing Saddam will be FUN!!" John turned red and started jumping up and down saying "Ekky! Ekky!" over and over again. "If you're lost, how did you know which way to launch that jeep?" Avatar asked. "Never try to find consistency in one of these stories," Pat explained. "I mean, you don't see us asking why you, a man from 161 AD, knows what a Jeep is." Watching this needless bickering going on, Arthur and Jim wondered if it was time for something to advance the plot again before it was too late. "We've traced that last missile, the one disguised as a jeep, to a desolate area in the Iranian desert," one of Hussein's advisor's announced, hoping Hussein would decide not to kill him since he was successful. However, out of habit and without thinking, Saddam Hussein shot the advisor anyway. He then commanded his generals to send a full armored division to destroy the infidels who'd killed his bitches. When the generals pointed out that Iraq didn't have a full armored division, Saddam shot them. "Just send SOMETHING to get them!!" he ordered. Moving on foot now, the seven terrorist infiltrators continued to travel in the direction that seemed most interesting. On the way, they picked up two more party members who can be named later if need be. From -> Zork Pendragon "Ya know, I wonder when we're going to find an automobile that won't crash or explode on us?" Liam wondered. "It's these fucking American cars," John agreed. "If we had a REAL car, like an LTD, then we'd be all set," Arthur added. Kevin checked his watch. "It's about time something else happened to us." "Good! I can't wait for some action!" The Avatar grinned. "Someone's forgotten how silly these stories can get..." Jim whispered to John. "Hey, can you guys make that out over there?" Pat squinted and pointed to two shapes over in the distance. "They appear to be two shapes over the distance," Kevin replied sardonically. The seven D00Ds rushed over to the two shapes, one male and one female. Both were suffering from heat exhaustion. The male looked up, and an odd expression came over his face. "Bloody hell, this must be a mirage..." "Don?" The Avatar asked. "Yeah, it's me. What the fuck are you guys doing here?" "We were just about to ask you the same question... Who's the girl? I gotta say, in the midst of heat exhaustion, she hardly looks voluptuous. You sure she's not a typo?" "This is Shiva... We were on our way to Pat's house, and well, we got lost. The car ran out of gas a while back. Somehow, we wound up in the desert." The D00Ds gave Shadowstorm and Shiva some of their water supply (all of them except Arthur that is, who doesn't usually share liquid of any kind) and slowly they began to recover from their heat exhaustion. "She still doesn't look all that voluptuous," Avatar complained, "are you sure she can't be like a 6-foot tall blonde with really huge... tracts of land?" "Ah, and I'm just surrounded by the eight reincarnations of Adonis," Shiva shot back. Kevin checked his watch again, "Ya know, it REALLY is about time something awful happened to us." From -> Madmouser Just as Kevin finished his sentence, three shapes were seen heading toward them coming from the direction that they were heading. As the party got closer they could make out three Arabs in a black S-10. Strangely one of them was bald, one had really curly hair, and the other had a horrible bowl cut. As they got out of the truck they tripped over each other. "Oh, great! They send morons to kill us," said The Avatar "Shut up you knuckle heads! We were sent by our master Saddam to kill you!" replied the Arab who looked like Moe. "Quiet!" yelled the Larry-Arab. "Woob woob woob look at the ground!" whined the neo-Curly. The three Arab stooges went through their slapstick routine, but they kept getting more and more violent, and after five minutes they shot each other to death. The D00Ds were extremely pleased at this, and a little relieved because the humor helped to lighten their spirits. As they climbed into the truck they noticed two crates in the back that were labeled "SECRET WEAPON". Jim opened one of them and screamed in pure joy "Look! Jello!!" And it was true... there were fifty pounds of bright green lime jello in the two crates. The D00Ds, their spirits much buoyed, found a map in the glove compartment, and headed for Baghdad. From -> Zork Pendragon John grabbed Moe's gun, Arthur took Larry's, and Jim acquired Curly's. The nine D00Ds piled into the truck, discovered the jello, and John drove them towards Baghdad. "That's all that bastard could send after us? Three inept towel heads?" Don wondered. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that was Team Ryan back there... Their actions sure fit in with the old Balthazar-Scorpion-Overlord routine," Slash added nostalgically. "Of course they could have been scouts for an even larger force," Jim reasoned. Jim was right. Five desert jeeps approached the S-10 over the desert sands. "Oh shit," Liam muttered (he found himself muttering that phrase more and more since this story started). "I'll try and dodge them!" John yelled, and did several deft maneuvers to avoid being surrounded. "Arthur and Jim, start shooting at some of them." Arthur leaned out the window and began to fire shots at the jeeps (come on, do you honestly think Arthur AND Jim would both be able to lean out the window?) Surprisingly, he hit one in the tire. The other four began to use the machine guns mounted on the turrets. "Drive faster, John!" Avatar yelled, looking out the back window. "We could try throwing the jello at them," Pat thought aloud. "What are we gonna do?!" screamed Shiva. "I said we could try throwing the jello at them... Come on, everybody! Throw the lime jello at those jeeps!" Pat and Don went to open up the crates. Jim, on the other hand, opened up the back door of the truck and hurled Liam at one of the jeeps. "Well, you said to throw Lime Jello at the jeeps. Besides, he blew us off when we were supposed to film 'Honest Artie's Rock Emporium', he deserved it." Liam landed on the hood of one the jeeps. The Iraqis knew if they tried to machine-gun him they could ruin the jeep. Instead they tried swerving around to see if he could be thrown off. Liam had had enough of flying through the air for one day, however, so he slowly, in best Indiana Jones style, approached the front door of the speeding jeep, and thrust himself inside. Easily knocking out the startled Iraqi driver, Liam aimed the machine gun at the other jeeps, and blew them up. Safe once again, the D00Ds realized by the map that they were approaching Baghdad. They also realized that Saddam might send more troops after them. Liam re-entered the S-10 (making sure to stay as far away from Jim as possible), and the nine froody D00Ds set off again, nearing their goal... From -> Back Slash It was getting a little crowded in the S-10. There were already nine people in it; and it probably wouldn't be long before more characters were written onto the bandwagon. Therefore, since they also had one desert jeep intact (the one Liam had destroyed the other jeeps from), it was decided that they'd split up into two groups. This would allow, they decided, for much more complicated storylines and increased silliness. Jim and Liam became team captains, since they refused to be in the same group. "He'll just run off to Thayer Street as soon as the going gets tough," Jim accused, pointed at Liam. Arthur flipped Pat. Jim called out "heads"; Liam called out "tails". Pat landed on his butt, so Liam got the first choice... "I choose Kevin!" Liam announced. "I want the ELITE group." "I choose Arthur!" Jim replied. "I want the homicidal lunatics with me." "But I'm sane now!" Arthur protested. "Really!" The others made several obscene sounds and gestures, indicating that Arthur was, indeed, full of shit. "I choose Pat!" Liam exclaimed, "so I won't be the wimpiest in the group." "I choose John," Jim said, "because people who have lives will try harder to keep them." There was much hooting of protest to that innuendo. Liam thought for a while. "I'll take the powerful Shadowstorm!" Jim had a cunning idea. "I choose the S-10! I don't want to be the group with the jeep!" The other group started to protest, until Jim and Arthur drew weapons. "Right! We choose Shiva!" Liam announced. "I should choose the jeep now, and then your group would really be in deep shit," Jim declared. "But instead, I choose the allegedly powerful Avatar." Arthur flipped Pat again so the two groups could determine which path each would take to Iraq. They agreed to maintain strict radio silence; and when communication was necessary, to use codes. Pat landed on his head, so Jim got to pick his route. Jim chose to head slightly northward, and go in through Israel. This left Liam's group to travel southward, and enter Iraq via Kuwait... The Elite group continued their travels in silence, certain that they had received the short end of the figurative straw. They were detained briefly by a platoon of American Marines, but were allowed to pass when they showed the platoon leader their secret orders. "You all are headin' right inna trouble, boys," Lieutenant R. Flagg drawled. "At least let us give y'all some spare ammo..." The Psychotic group watched the skies, enjoying what Jim had named "The Scud Bowl." At regular intervals, scuds would streak across the sky to the west, and be intercepted by the Patriot batteries stationed north of Tel Aviv. "You know, it's only a matter of time before one of those things falls towards us," Arthur pointed out. "Most of them don't make it anywhere near their targets." "I wish you'd stop saying those things," Jim complained. "Yeah, huh?" John said. "Here comes one now!" From -> Zork Pendragon John, Jim, Arthur and The Avatar watched in horror as the scud approached their S-10. The Avatar had an idea. "Don't worry," he said calmly, "I can just conjure up a magical shield to have that missile bounce off of our truck." "I thought you said you left all your powers back in 106 AD?" Arthur asked. "I thought you said continuity didn't count for shit in these stories," The Avatar countered. "I think we're all going to die if someone doesn't do SOMETHING quick," Jim added. "I think we all should perhaps run, since I trust Avatar about as far as I can comfortably spit out of a rat," John suggested. "Good idea," Jim and Arthur agreed amid Avatar's protests. John, Jim, Arthur and The Avatar exited the truck right before the SCUD hit the S-10 and exploded it into many different pieces. "I just hope that thing doesn't have another chemical warhead," Arthur added. As if on cue, he purple sleeping gas came out of the head of the missile. "You HAD to pick me for your team..." John grumbled before he collapsed. "And letting such flappy woof-woofs as to..." Jim started, and then flopped over as well. "...Make your eyes water and your nose fall off," Arthur ended, then Arthur-fopped the desert sands. "Bloody hell, I can't think of anything to say," The Avatar said, before settling into unconsciousness as well. The four awoke chained to a wall in a deep, dank dungeon. "I wonder if the Iraqis have us," Jim wondered. "Nah, we'd probably be already dead then," Arthur reasoned. The door to their cell opened, and a towel-headed dude entered. "Good morning, prisoners!" "Exactly who are we prisoners of?" John asked. "You infidels of The Great Satan are being held captive by the noble and just police force of the Iranian Government!" the towel-head laughed. "We may contact Saddam Hussein and see if he wishes to make a bargain of some sort. Until then, well, I suppose the four of you will rot against that wall! Hahahaha (evil laugh)!" "What's that phrase about 'Out of the frying pan'?" Jim spoke aloud. "Augh, would you turn that shit music off, Liam!" Don screamed over the engine of the jeep and the hideous music emitting from the speakers. "The Dickies're RAD though!" Liam counter-argued, "Besides, it's the only tape I have with me, and I don't think we can get WBRU down here." Don, Shiva and Pat commenced to cover their ears. Zork remained ambivalent towards the music. If he had to spend the entire trip listening to Dickies, however, he might wind up strangling Liam, he thought. "Well, maybe we can stop somewhere and pick up some REM tapes, or Les Miz or something..." Zork wondered aloud. Pat, having had the most experience behind the wheel of a jeep, was driving. Liam rode shotgun (so he could get to the tape deck), and Kevin, Don, and Shiva sat in the back, Kevin stationed at the machine gun. "I wonder how the others are doing," Pat broke in, trying to interrupt the argument. "I wouldn't be surprised if they got blown up by a SCUD or something by now!" Shiva laughed to herself. "Now THAT'S pretty far-fetched," Don commented. Kevin felt the Uzi the troops in Saudi Arabia had supplied him and the others with. He wondered if he'd have to use it, and if so, when. They were in the middle of Kuwait, and ground fighting could erupt soon. That didn't matter the D00D platoon, they needed to get into Iraq. They needed a plan... From -> Shiva As the jeep trudged its way through the sand, everyone started to get really annoyed with the music Liam was playing in the tape player, so Shiva passed around her bottomless bottle of Advil to anyone who happened to have a headache. Suddenly, from out of the sky (where the fuck else would it have come from?) a SCUD missile landed... about 40 or 50 miles from the jeep. "See," said Kevin, "they aren't accurate. The one that hit the SAAB was probably American made, seeing as how we sent them so much stuff before." Shiva still has no idea how she got into this in the first place and asks, "hey, guys, what are we doing in Iraq anyway?" She is still very much annoyed at the fact that the guys don't think she's voluptuous. Christ, she's almost 6' tall. With, what everyone else thinks is a good figure. She's not a very happy camper. And along with everyone else, she's very thirsty. Suddenly, Pat slams on the brakes and everyone flies forward. "What the fuck did you do that for?" Lime Jell-O asked. "Cuz I can't stand this fucking music anymore!" says Pat as he grabs the tape in the radio and throws it out the window. As they all got themselves reorganized, Pat looks at Zork and starts to laugh. "What the fuck are you laughing at?" he says and puts his hand on his face. (Why? Who knows.) "Shit," says Kevin, "my nose is broken again. Somebody's gonna pay for this." From -> Madmouser Meanwhile, in the deep dank dungeon... "Shit!" exclaimed Art. "This is not good... and when I get hold of Pat, I'll kill him!" moaned John. "Arthur! Load program 4-A-69!" Jim said "Beep buzz," said Art. "Now... get the key to Donna's handcuffs out and unlock the chains," retorted Jim. "Done." "Now... put on the handcuffs, but make sure that they're unlocked!" "Done." "Now, when the guards come... kill them." "Working..." "What is program 4-A-69?" asked the quite puzzled Avatar. "It's the nuclear terrorist bodyguard program... extremely ruthless," replied Jim. "OOOOO!" There was much muffled applause from the other members of the party at Jim's quick thinking. Meanwhile, in the Kuwaiti desert, the ELITE group was sound asleep... all of them except for one that is... Pat, it seems, had become really attached to the jeep and was painting words on it in Arabic that basically said that anyone who even looks at this jeep with the intent to hurt it was in for a world of hurt and would probably see Allah within 5 minutes. As they awoke and headed off, they happened upon a box in a destroyed Kuwaiti town that was full of REM and Extreme and other tapes... Kevin, Shiva, Don, and Pat were ecstatic; Liam on the other hand was upset because all the elite music was gone... About 10 miles outside of town they came to an Iraqi roadblock. From -> Lime Jell-O In a moment of desperation, Liam drove his fist far into his bung- laden anus and retrieved an OPERATION IVY tape from deep within his small intestine... at which point he said that he would shower if given full control of the tape deck. Everyone OK'ed this idea, being that he was no longer suave but rather odiferous... So anyway, Madmouser kept on bitching about having an ingrown toenail, so Kevin took Pat's bare foot and bit his toe off. What does this have to do with the plot? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Well anyway, this cheeseball Iraqi town was real swell cuz it was the home of the only remaining Jack in the Box restaurant. The elite crew pulled through the drive-through and got 47 orders of onion rings upon which they munched while parked in the parking lot (novel, eh?) While munching, the crew realized (at the urging of Liam) that they really didn't want to be in Iraq, but would rather like to cruise to London where the Dickies were doing a reunion show. They all drove to London and saw the Dickies (it was SWELL---Kev even got to sit on stage!) After the Dickies show they all drove back to Iraq and got more onion rings... Two weeks had now passed since the "OTHER" crew had been captured so out of nowhere Iron Man appeared and said, "ya got a minute?" Everyone told him to fuck off but before doing so he told them the exact location of the other crew... They were all set to leave when Kevin started screeching "Where the HELL is my Bob Mould tape?!?" They all rushed toward Liam figuring it was in his anus... but was it?? From -> Back Slash As the captive group awaited the return of the guards, the Avatar used his psychic powers in an attempt to contact the elitist group. "Damn!" he exclaimed, "we're here in an Iranian prison and they're fighting over cassette tapes!" "Got to be Liam's fault," Jim said. "I thought we were supposed to have the easy route, dammit!" John yelled. "Glorf?" Arthur muttered, waiting for the guard, pretending to be cuffed and harmless... Of course, two weeks didn't actually pass for the other group. "I was just saying it felt like two weeks had passed," Liam said. "Look at us now!" And, indeed, Liam's group had changed. Now that they had taken a break to see the Dickies, and were all cooly bedecked in British T- Shirts, they were more than ready to go back to the fight. "Come on, let me put in the REM tape," Kevin begged. "They USED to be elite..." "Fuck tapes," Don announced. "While we were in London, I grabbed BEER. They don't sell this stuff in Diaper-Head countries." "Beer?" Shiva cried in surprise. "I think I'm in love!" The elite group drank the beer, and then lost the fighting, competitive edge, which they had just so recently gained. The rest of the group decided, at this point, that Shiva was the most voluptuous babe that they had ever seen. Of course, they then voted the jeep second most voluptuous babe. Shiva decided that she might be in the wrong story. Or at least, trying to kill the wrong men... "Hey!" the Iranian guard yelled. "Keep it down in there!" The captive D00Ds continued to make a ruckus, so the guard went to investigate. "Art!" Jim yelled, as the guard entered the cell. "Deathfop the Hankie-Head!!" After a brief struggle, Arthur unlocked the other D00Ds. He kept the guard's AK-47, but gave the guard's other arms to Jim and John. "Yucch," John said, throwing the bleeding appendage to the floor. "I've got an idea!" Jay exclaimed. "And you'd better listen, it's a good one this time!" "There's not enough room left," Jim said. "You'd better tell us the plan in the next post." The elite group drove erratically through the desert, suffering greatly from the heat, dehydration, and unprecedented beer consumption. They found and oasis by evening drank gallons of water and slept almost 24 hours. "Say," Pat thought. "Why the hell is the story focused on us when the exciting bits are happening with the other group?" What Pat didn't know was that an Iraqi patrol group was on the other side of the oasis; fully armed, and searching for spies. That'll teach him to be sarcastic to the narrator. "All we have to do," Avatar said, "is steal some Iraqi planes that landed here in Iran, fly back to Baghdad, and when we report to Saddam, we kill him." "Great plan," Arthur said, "as long as the Iranians don't kill us as we steal the planes, the allies don't shoot us down as we fly them, and the Iraqis don't execute us when we land." "No plan is perfect," Avatar pouted. "It's better than our other plan," said John, "where we stay here and rot in Iranian prisons." "This is true," Jim agreed. "Well, what are we waiting for?" Avatar asked. "I'm too tired to write it right now," Arthur replied. "So we'll have to wait for the next caller before we escape." "Damn." "At least the Iraqis can't do anything to us while we're waiting," Jim mumbled. John asked: "but what if the next caller is an Iraqi?" "Or Cannon Ball?" The Iraqis moved swiftly and silently through the oasis. They knew that there were spies in the oasis, and they were looking forward to killing them. Really. From -> Madmouser As the Iraqis came over the dune, they found the group waiting for them, because it seems that the bottomless bottle of Advil that Shiva had came in handy for eradicating the worst effects of hangovers. The Iraqis started shooting at our "heroes"(?) who promptly ducked. The bullets went whizzing over their heads, but two struck the jeep broadsides, causing no damage other than two little holes. When Pat saw this, foam appeared at his mouth, he grabbed one of the crates of jello, and went into a berserk rage... Before they knew what had happened, seven of the Iraqis were shaking hands with Allah while wiping jello off of themselves; the rest, seeing this crazy American frothing at the mouth, turned tail and ran; but not before jello thrown with deadly accuracy took out all of them but one. Pat then collapsed in a heap. The gang came over to him and found his body in a not so nice heap... The smell of Liam brought him to a sort of conscious state, he mumbled, "Sugar... I need sugar..." Meanwhile, in Iraq: "What do you mean the troops got killed!" screamed Saddam. "We got wiped out by a rabid American throwing lime jello, sir," answered the poor soldier. "JELLO!? Well that means that they've gotten hold of our secret weapon... I just hope none of them eats it... We're pretty much done for if they do..." "Why is that, master?" asked the soldier. "SHUT UP AND DON'T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!!!!" screamed Hussein as he shot the soldier. From -> Zork Pendragon John, Arthur, Jim, and Jay silently crept out of the Iranian prison, realizing they at least needed to escape this building before more troops discovered what had happened. "Perhaps one of us should scout ahead, so that if any Iranians come, he gets shot first," John suggested. "I nominate Jay," Jim and Arthur spoke simultaneously. "I second it, motion carried," John finished, pushing Jay ahead of them. A little further down the hall, they came to a door, labeled, "TOP TOP TOP TOP SECRET ROOM - DO NOT ENTER. REALLY." "Hmmmm," Arthur wondered, "I wonder what's in there..." "How bad is the damage to the jeep?" Pat asked nervously. "Just two itsy bitsy holes, nothing to worry about," Don replied. "At least the tape deck still works," Liam sighed, relieved. "I got the most rad bootlegs in England... lookit this 'Exploited' tape, guys..." "I suppose we should set off for Baghdad again.... That is, if we are fully recovered from our collective hangovers?" Zork asked. Pat and Don said okey-dokey, Shiva belched the Latin alphabet, and Liam recited the lyrics to Minor Threat's "Bottled Violence". "I'll take that as a maybe. Let's get into the jeep." Once again, Pat drove, Liam rode shotgun (no one wanted to sit close to him since he STILL hadn't showered, just keeping screaming "I'm SCUMMY!" and gesticulating wildly at everyone), Shiva and Don sat in the back and Kevin positioned himself at the big dukey machine-gun in the back. The tape deck played "Under Pressure," since David Bowie met Liam's elite standards (although only just barely). "What we need now," Don philosophized, "is more beer." "Alcohol clouds the mind, straight edge - razor sharp!" Liam quoted, "I'm gonna stay young until I die." "That may not be too far away from now if you put in that goddamn Dickies tape again..." Kristen threatened. From -> Back Slash "I don't care anymore," Pat said, finally asserting himself. The others stopped their bickering, shocked at the almost-forcefulness of Pat's speech. "I don't CARE what we listen to! Let's just get GOING! We have a JOB TO DO!!" "We are wasting time, you know," Don agreed. "The other group may have already penetrated Iraq's defenses." Shiva smiled at the use of the word 'penetrated'. "Why don't we just wait a little longer?" Liam asked. "Then we can drive into Iraq after they've killed Hussein, the war has ended, and it'll be safe for politically-correct elitists like ourselves?" "Because they might not make it," Kevin pointed out. "That's one of the reasons why we're in two groups. They might be captured right now." "I doubt it," Pat said. "No one could catch them. Besides, we haven't been caught yet!" "I wish people would stop saying things like that!" Liam moaned. "That we can arrange," replied the leader of the Iraqi forces who had the infiltrators surrounded and outnumbered. "We have more men than you have bullets, and are have been immunized against the Ninja Death Jello you captured. You will drop your weapons and come with us." "Like hell we will," the D00Ds started to say, but were unable to; because while the Iraqi commander distracted them, Iraqi scouts crept up behind them and knocked them out with cranial coconut-fops. Tied up, gagged, and forced to listen to Barry Manilow 8-track tapes, the Elitist brigade was transported to the Iraqi POW torture camps... "If I don't get more lines in this story, I'm going to get REALLY NASTY!" Saddam Hussein announced. "After all, I AM the main villain around here!!" Saddam then shot several of his closest friends, just to emphasize the point. "Abdul!" he yelled out to one of his servants. "Go find me some more close friends!!!" Jim, John, Jay, and Art spent a full twenty-five minutes arguing over who should open the "Top Top Top Top Secret" door... They finally convinced Arthur to, because his was the only name that didn't begin with "J"... Arthur opened the door, and found a small room containing a backpack tactical nuclear device on a pedestal. "So THIS is where that missing tac nuke went!" Arthur exclaimed in surprise. "I always wondered who REALLY had it." "We'd better take it with us," John said. "They're probably studying it to see if they can make more." "Oh, no, I don't want to take that with me!" Jim said. "Well, then, why don't we just destroy the evil artifact?" asked Avatar. "You're right," Arthur and John agreed. They set the atomic bomb to go off in an hour and a half. "Plenty of time for us to get away." They found some spare Iraqi uniforms in a closet labeled "Spare Iraqi Uniforms for Escaping Prisoners", and walked out into the open. They watched the Iranians refueling two planes, which had just landed, and decided to take them. "You go with the Avatar, and I'll go with Arthur!" Jim commanded. "I don't think you and Arthur should take the same plane," John replied. "Fuck you, big nose!" Arthur shouted (in Iraqi, so he wouldn't draw attention to himself). "I'll go with Arthur," said the Avatar, "because my name also starts with 'A'. Sometimes." So Arthur and the Avatar took one plane, and Jim and John took the other. They set off towards Baghdad, hoping that the allies wouldn't see them and try to shoot them down. Considering all of the radar and satellites watching Iraq, and considering the sadistic nature of the writers, the odds of an unmolested flight were quite slim indeed. Liam, Kevin, Pat, Don, and Shiva were brought into the POW camp just ten minutes after the other group made their escape; and were locked in the same cell which Arthur, Jay, Jim, and John had just vacated. As the atomic bomb began to count down its last hour, Kevin asked if anyone had a plan. "I see a key on the floor over there," Pat said. "It looks like Donna's handcuff key, but might unlock these chains. Trouble is, it's too far away for us to reach it..." From -> Shiva Luckily Shiva, for some unknown reason, had in her pocketbook her new state-of-the-Art, technologically advanced curling iron (with attachments) and therefore saved the day by reaching the key. Ah, but as luck would have it, the key had absolutely no affect on the chains. Liam, Pat, Kevin, Shiva, and Don were extremely disappointed (needless to say). "I can't believe it," complained Pat, "Shiva took all that extra weight along for absolutely no reason!!!" "Yeah," said Liam, "we could've brought more ELITE tapes with us." The whole group moaned. The mighty Avatar, who had with him his magical crystallized ball of Lime Jell-O, could see everything that was happening with the group of ELITES. "Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me," John muttered. "They're still arguing about tapes." "Hey, does anybody remember that we're running on a TIME limit? Or is that continuity gone too?" questioned the Avatar. Nobody knew, and still the bomb ticked on... From -> Zork Pendragon A thought struck Kevin. "Hey guards!" he yelled. "Hey, c'mon in here you Iranian towel-headed pooftahs!" "Are you sure that's the smartest thing you could be saying right now?" "Don't worry Pat, I have an idea." Two Iranian guards entered. "Hey, I bet guys are really bored all the time, stomping about, yelling, chaining socio-political elitists to wall, et cetera..." Well, some of the sadomasochism I quite like," one of the guards explained, and to demonstrate kicked Don in the testicles with a well- oiled boot. "Oh yes," the other explained, "you realize that because we're guards we get to do incredibly fun things to prisoners that most Iranians only dream of. For example, I could use one of you as a human punching bag right now and there would be nothing you could do about it." To emphasize this point he began to severely beat Liam with a large stick. "BRILLIANT idea, Kev!" Don groaned while wondering whether his genitalia would ever work again. The two guards left the room, laughing. "It wasn't supposed to go like that!" Kevin protested to no one in particular. "I have an idea! I could try and seduce them! Yeah, that's it!" Shiva brightened. "Oh, guaaaaards!" Shiva cried shrilly. "What do you want now?" asked the two guards, reappearing. "I'm sick of being stuck with these wimps, I want a real man, an Arab!" The Iranians, whose main idea of a woman was covered in lots and lots of Bedouin sheets, began to salivate as Shiva struck the most provocative pose she could while being chained to the wall. "Unchain me and we can have some fun." The guards undid Shiva's clasps, and then the three of them left the room. Five minutes later, Kristen reappeared, holding the keys to the locks. When questioned about what happened, she just looked at them sideways and muttered something about "drastic circumstances call for drastic means." "My balls still hurt," Don groaned, "can't we rest for a while..." Liam was still unconscious from the severe beating he took at the hands of his captors earlier. "At least we won't be arguing about tapes for a while," Pat decided. From -> The Avatar And so with that Jim, John, Jay, and Art began their air mission to finally reach Baghdad (maybe)... Actually, nobody really cared about the bomb anymore seeing as how continuity meant absolutely nothing in this story so the bomb angle was kind of disregarded for now... The two planes flew along at quite a brisk pace for maybe another ten minutes or so... Then the Avatar had a revelation, "Hey, do any of you guys know how the hell to get to where to we're goin??" "I thought you brought the map!" Art yelled at Jim. "NO! YOU had the map!" yelled Jim at Art. "Shut up! Now I definitely remembered giving the map to Jim and Art! They brought a photocopy machine along!" screamed John. The Avatar said nothing, fearing that if he took sides that he may be voted on to enter another TOP, TOP, TOP secret room... "Well, I guess we'll just shove along until something out of the ordinary happens," said Art. Which was odd, because at the very instant that he said that, Jay and Art both happened to look at the gauges in the plane. Much to their dismay, their plane had just run out of gas. "Bloody Hell!" said Jay and Art. Back in the Iraqi cell, The ELITE group were still trying to figure out a way to reach the damn key... Don was tired, Shiva was pissed, Liam was just plain freaking out (acting normal, in other words), and Kevin couldn't even see the damn key because of that face injury (kind of swelled up his eyes)... But Pat, well Pat knew he had the means to get the key, he was just a tad too embarrassed to admit his secret. "Uh, guys, I think I could reach it, but... uh... well... see, I'd have to give away my life long secret..." "GET THE FUCKING KEY OR I'LL START SINGING MY RENDITION OF SOME SILLY ELITIST BAND THAT ALL YOU SCUM-SUCKING HICKS WOULD JUST HATE TO LITTLE BITS AND PIECES!!!" screamed Liam and Kevin in unison. "Ok, ok... I'll give in... But The Avatar only has 3 lines left, so he'll have to continue this in the next post." "Ok, here goes," said Pat. What was about to happen would explain once and for all why Pat was so goddamned skinny and tall and thin and all that... "You guys promise not to laugh to hard? Or to post about this on the BBS??" asked Pat nervously. Everyone else (including a guard down the hall) yelled "NOOOOOOOO!!!" "Ok... here goes... Go-go Gadget ARMS!!" And with that the ultimate question was answered. Pat was so thin because he had very long metal tubing up his arms that could extend up to at least 20 feet... Naturally, everyone (including the guard down the hall) broke out in hysterical laughter. This upset Pat, but nonetheless he had the key in his possession. He then proceeded to unlock all the ELITISTS' cuffs and then some more time passed. They all just kinda stood around and fooled around with Pat's metallic arms for a while until they heard what sounded like several guards with very big guns come to their cell door. The cell door opened to reveal several guards with very big guns. "The master will see you now," said the guard (in Iraqi, of course). From -> Shiva Seeing the guards once again made Shiva even more pissed off than she already was. "OH NO, not again," she yelled and ran full force at the guards. This however didn't do much, because none of the ELITES had slept very much and Shiva wasn't that strong to begin with. All of a sudden, the whole group ran at the Iraqi guards before they even had a chance to take their Uzis off safety. The band of not- so-merry travelers smelled so bad that all the guards ran off. "Wow, that was easy," said Pat, with his arms trailing behind him. It seemed that he couldn't remember exactly how to fix them so that they went back to normal. "Uh, oh, this is not good." "Pat," said Don, "what is 'not good'?" Suddenly everyone started laughing. And Pat was not a very happy person. But everyone looked at Shiva also. They still wanted to know what she did to get those keys. Meanwhile, the other group of people couldn't remember for the life of them what had happened to the bomb or how they had come about getting those planes. There was also that other teensy weensy problem of no gas. "Parachutes," thought John. "I wonder if there are any parachutes." Everyone else, however, was absolutely sure they were going to die. The plane was doing a nosedive at full speed straight into the desert. "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Screamed the travelers in unison. "We're gonna die." The Avatar, however, with his mighty powers, tried to create a large soft pool of lime jello for them to land in. Instead he created a large river of chocolate pudding. From -> Back Slash Even though people had decided that they weren't going to think about the bomb, it continued to count down anyway. It sat, silently and serenely, in its own little room, unconcerned that it was being ignored. It knew that it would be noticed eventually. "Fifteen minutes left," it said, to no one in particular. The two Iraqi planes, only one of which was actually out of fuel, continued to accelerate as they headed straight down towards the desert sands. The Avatar was successful in creating a magically soft cushion (even though it was chocolate pudding, and not lime jello). It was so magically soft that it could absorb all of the jets' impact without the passengers being hurt at all. They were saved. Except, Jay neglected to tell Art and John (the pilots) this. "Oh, fuck!" Arthur said. "There's a whole lake of camel shit down there! If I have to die, it will at least be with some dignity. I have just enough control so that I can turn away and not hit the shit..." "I can't turn my plane," John said. "So when we all meet in the next life, I'm going to smell really bad..." John hit the magical chocolate pudding dead center. The plane landed soft as a feather, and Jim and John ate a path form the plane to the edge of the pudding. They hadn't eaten in a couple of days, you see... Arthur and Jay hit the sand at what is technically called a "god- awful" speed, and went THROUGH the sand, coming to a stop in an underground cave 50 feet down... the sand braked them enough so that they were able to land in the cave safely. In the cave they found mountains of gold and gems. "This must be Ali-Baba's legendary treasure!" Jay exclaimed. "And look!" said Arthur. "That must be the lamp with the genie in it! You know that this is only going to get sillier. The so-called elitist group was brought before the Iranian leader (who seemed to speak Iraqi according to previous posts... but odder things have happened). Even though he was polite, it was plain that he wanted nothing more than to kill them once he had all the information that he wanted. So, Pat stood next to a window, and dropped his still- extended arms out... Stretching them even more, he was able to beat up five guards, and fuel up three planes with his gadget-arms while innocently standing in the commander's office. Then, with just five minutes left on the bomb, he yelled out, "Let's go, D00Ds!" The D00Ds climbed down his arms, caught him when he jumped, and they all took off in the fuelled jets... From -> Madmouser As the elite group caught Pat and they headed for the planes, the Iranians got very pissed off at them and started to shoot at them, now these were REAL soldiers, and consequently their aim was better. Pat changed his arms into shields and protected the party even though they had laughed at him. He wasn't about to save them again, though. They climbed into the planes and took off into the air. Flying over the desert they saw a giant brown splotch in the sand. "I wonder what that is," said Kevin. "It looks like anal spew!!!" cried Liam in joy. "I dunno, but it seems that there are people down there trying to signal us," Shiva added. "Yeah huh? Lets see if they're saying anything on the radio," Pat said. The radio was turned on. "Hello the camel flies at midnight. The vanilla ice cream is about to melt. " came over that radio thang. Suddenly there was a huge roar and a pretty big flash as the backpack went off. "Looks like 5 megatons," Art said. "Yeah... Now if we can only get those idiots to land," John said. "Jim, aren't you using the radio?" Jay asked. "Sure, but they're pretty stupid, they can't understand a thing I'm saying, I mean the code I'm using isn't that hard. I just made it up 5 minutes ago." "ARGGGHHH!! Give me the radio!" John insisted. " come in Elitists! This is the Sarge! You can land on the chocolate; it's solid. Pick us up!" "Roger that... we're coming in." The jets proceeded to land and then they all filled each other in on what had happened... Then they started to plan the assault on Baghdad. From -> Back Slash A backpack tactical nuclear device creates very little radioactivity and fallout (not that I know anything about such things), and what little was created was blown in the opposite direction by the prevailing winds. And, since all of the D00Ds were wearing cool shades, the glare didn't affect them either. So, the elitist group siphoned fuel into the not-so-elitist group's jets, and they set out for Baghdad. Jim and John were still traveling together, and singing songs about Merlin the Happy Pig. Arthur and Jay were also traveling together. Arthur had convinced Jay not to tell the others about the lamp he had found, by threatening to invoke Program 4-A-69. Kevin was traveling with Liam, because he had the highest tolerance to Liam's musical tastes and anal stench. Pat was traveling alone, because he still couldn't get his arms to retract and there wasn't any room left for a passenger in his jet. Shiva wanted to travel with Pat (to see what else could stretch to twenty feet long) but ended up traveling with Don instead. As they set their course for Baghdad, they saw a vision on the sands. They all saw the figure of Death pointing towards Iraq, saying "This way to your Death!!" Death then strangled himself and collapsed. It was a strange vision, but better than no vision at all. "It's about time they gave me another scene!" George Bush fumed. "I am the President, after all!!" "This scene was only put in to provide atmosphere, sir," Sununu replied. "Look at those anti-war protesters outside, doing that sign- carrying, picketing thing," Bush said, pointing out of the bulletproof window. "Makes me sick, them thinking they know everything." "Well, sir, see that person over there, the one leading the protest? A couple of months ago he was protesting the fact that Robert Plant stole his own riffs. He also has very odd theories about Vanilla Ice." "Can't we just have him killed? Him and that other protester, holding the -CHILLIN- sign?" "I'm afraid not, sir." "Well, maybe if Team Dragnet returns successfully from Iraq, we can hire them for other covert jobs, like these protesters. Not much chance of that though, is there?" "Not really, sir." From -> Homey The Clown Back in his quaint little home in Woonsocket, Homey watched the news about anti-war protests and demonstrations happening near the White House. "What faggots! They sort of remind me of Cannon Ball and Drewman! I wish I could be there to beat their heads into the ground!!" Bippety boppoty boom! Homey now stood in the same room with George Bush!! "Hey, I guess dreams really do come true, eh?" "Who the hell are you?!?" screamed Bush. "Why, Homey T. Clown, famous student at WJHS and DragNET caller." "Well, get the hell out of here unless you want to do something about those stupid protesters! Especially the one with the -Chillin- sign!! It's giving me a goddamn headache!!" "What am I going to get???" "You'll meet Saddam in a few hours if you don't do something!!" "God!! Give me a few minutes!! I'm only 12!!" Homey paused. "Hmm... You wouldn't happen to have 30 pounds of liquid lime jello and an M-79 "Blooper" grenade launcher around here, would you?" From -> Back Slash "Wait!" White House chief of staff Sununu said, as the secret service officers prepared to drag Homey out and shoot him. "Don't get rid of him yet!" "You mean, I'm saved?" Homey asked. "You want me to help you deal with the anti-war protesters and Saddam Hussein?" "No," Sununu replied. "I just thought we should let you live for a while to cheer up Vice President Quayle. He's been depressed lately, because Mr. Bush won't let him do anything with the war, but he loves clowns. Think you could cheer him up?" "Homey don't play that," Homey the Clown said. Then he heard the secret service agents cock their weapons. "But Homey's willing to learn!" "Sir!" Hussein's newest general called out. "We're picking up five jets flying in from Iran." "Shoot them down!" Hussein exclaimed. "But they're probably ours!" "I hope so," Hussein said, "because that's the only way we'll ever be able to shoot them all down." The D00Ds continued to fly towards Baghdad. They were slowly becoming pissed off since none of them had had any lines for two and a half posts... From -> Homey The Clown The secret service agent picked Homey up like he was a little fly. "Here you go! Right into Mr. Quayle's room!" said the ugly hulk. "And you'd better be good!!" "You bet your ass I'll be good! Hey, Mr. Quayle!! What's up!!??" "Shut up!!" J. Danforth Quayle whined. "Oh, you're a clown, amuse me!" "Do you have a grenade launcher, some jello, and zip lock bags??" Homey asked the vice president. "Yes." "Are those excuses for people out there pissing you off!?" "Yes." "Good!!" Homey smiled. "What's the weather supposed to be like!?!" "30 degrees," Quayle said, consulting a newspaper, "with a wind chill of 15 degrees." "Moohahahah!! Get me those supplies and I'll get everybody in America on your side! That's right, I said your side!! And it'll crack you up too!" "It had better!!" Quayle turned to a secret service agent. "Poncho!! Get this clown what he wants!!" "Make sure you put the jello in the bags, too!" added Homey. After a few hours, Poncho came back carrying the equipment. He laid it next to the window. "Ahh... I see you know what I'm gonna do, eh?" "Yes." "Ok, put the jello in the launcher," said Homey. Homey thought to himself, "Gee, this better work or this guy's gonna be real mad," Homey continued, "Ok, now point it at the protesters and say 'clear the area you scum, or face the wrath of Homey the Clown!'" "No way!" Poncho protested. "I'll get shot for that!!" "Ok, I'll say it then." Homey then repeated it. "Homey is toast!" the protesters chanted. "Homey is toast!" "Homey don't play that!!!" Homey pulled the trigger. Pooooff!!! The jello hit the protesters... From -> Cannon Ball Although one of the protesters looked a little like him, the real Cannon Ball was in the Persian Gulf on a Greenpeace ship helping to clear up the oil spill. "Thanks, Cannon Ball," the captain said; "we couldn't have done it without you." "No problem at all," Cannon Ball replied. "Now I'm going to go into Iraq and capture Saddam Hussein. I believe that he should stand trial." "You realize that a million people are in there trying to kill him?" the captain asked. "Even in war time, I have to follow my conscience," Cannon Ball replied. Under cover of darkness he dived off the ship and swam toward the shore. From -> Shiva Meanwhile, back in the deserts of the Middle East, the weary travelers were traveling along when all of a sudden Homey the Clown came through on the radio. It seemed that he was speaking, not to them, but to a small child. Shiva said, "What the fuck are these stupid little kids writing themselves into the plot for? I don't think anyone under 15 should be allowed to progress the storyline." Everyone pondered upon this for a while and agreed. "I'm hungry," said Jim, looking longingly at the crates of lime jello. "What else is new? Don't you ever think about anything other than food?" asked Liam. "Yeah, of course he does, he thinks about beer and sex, too," John replied. Pat, who had been thinking for a while (we could all smell the smoke), then added, "do you realize how little the plot has progressed in the past two or three days? At this rate, we're never going to get to Saddam Hussein." Everyone thought he had a point. Once again, they split up into the same groups they had been in before. Pat even got to ride in the same plane as the rest of them, because he finally figured out the trick to those arms... From -> Homey The Clown Unfortunately, CB was really in DC and it was only his stunt double posting that. And now, back to the story: "Haha! I hit you! Haha!!" The person carrying the -Chillin- sign became quite agitated and pulled out a rather large gun, which was loaded and was cocked. The other protesters, usually a big bunch of wimps without the protection of the Constitution, ran like hell when they saw the gun and some maniac starting to shoot it at the White House. The House was getting loaded with lead and was falling apart and would collapse if this continued. At the same time, two special agents came out, ran, and dodged the fire only to have their chests burst by anti-Saddam lasers. More poured out only to be knocked down by bullets. "Oh well, some one has to stop this shit!" said what appeared to be the real Cannon Ball. He tried to grab the gun, managed to get a hold of it, then slipped on some jello and accidentally pulled the trigger and shot himself in the foot. "Oww! My foot! My foot! Someone shot my foot!" In Mr. Quayle's office, the Poncho wasn't too happy. From -> Zork Pendragon A thought occurred to Arthur. "Goddammit, we're the D00Ds, and we're the main characters of this story! We'd better complicate the plot a bit more... Besides, I have to get away from the rest of you for a while to check out my lamp OH WHAT A GIVEAWAY!!" "Your what?!" Zork asked over the radio to the jet Arthur and Jay were flying. "My... lamp, uh, lampoon... uh, NATIONAL LAMPOON magazine, yeah, it's a really good issue, Gilbert Gottfried's on the cover.." "Oh," Kev replied, "so what're we gonna do?" "Well, I think to confuse Saddam we should split up our jets... Me and Jay will approach Baghdad from the north, John and Jim the south, you and Liam from the east, and Don, Shiva, and Pat from the west." "Fine by me," the others answered. The planes split up. "By golly, that clown has good aim," Veep Quayle thought, watching Homey's assault on the protesters. Homey continued his barrage for a bit longer, and then abruptly had to stop. "Damn. Out of jello." Quayle, who of course has the attention span of a two-year-old, pushed Homey out the window to see what would happen. "So that's how gravity works," he thought to himself. The protestors caught Homey, and then began to smile ever so evilly at him. In the sea, approaching Saudi Arabia, Cannon Ball swam ever onward. Of course, the ocean was now so polluted CB didn't even have to swim but merely walked on the greasy oil's surface. "Now you may ask yourself," CB spoke to no one in particular, "how I can be in two places at once, Washington DC and here. Now I could chalk this up to continuity problems (such as how the elite group had to escape from the prison after they had already escaped) or I could tell you the real reason. The truth is, I have a cloning machine! Ha ha ha!" It was true. When Cannon Ball reached Saudi Arabia there were 30 other Cannon Balls ready to greet him. "I finally get to talk to people who agree with my political and musical theories," CB exclaimed gleefully. "Now, my identical twin brothers, we capture Hussein!" And there was much rejoicing. From -> Back Slash The D00Ds split up and flew in four different directions. This was, oh, so very convenient, since there were four groups trying to hunt them down. Iranian jets sent to get the infidel bastards who nuked their POW camp soon overtook Kevin and Liam. Since the Iranians were flying jets that had been bought from the US, and the D00Ds had an old crate which Iraq had bought from the USSR, the odds appeared to be in the Iranians' favor. However, the Iranians had never counted on the insidious power of Liam's anus (truly the Great Satan of bodily orifices). Liam mooned the Iranians, which distracted them enough for Kevin to shoot the shit out of them. John and Jim hadn't been flying for long when they picked up the American F-15's gaining on them. The Americans had detected the Iraqi jets, and launched Tomahawk missiles long before Jim and John could do anything to the Americans (not that they would have, anyway). However, Jim was able to do some AMAZING maneuvering (which was only possible because of recent beer imbibing) which caused the Tomahawks homing in on him to collide with each other. While Jim was carrying out these complex maneuvers, John was doing two things. First, he was trying not to puke. Second, he was trying to contact the American pilots. He transmitted the code words which were in his orders, and convinced the American pilots to back off and let them continue. Art and Jay detected the Iraqi jets at the same time that the Iraqis detected them. This was not too surprising, since they were all in the same type of plane. Jay cast a spell to make the sky cloudy. Under cover of clouds, Arthur slipped in close and joined the Iraqi formation. The Iraqis were too stupid to notice that they had an extra plane in their group. When the Iraqis had decided that they had lost the infidels, the turned around and headed back to their base. The infidels, of course, went back with them. Don, Shiva, and Pat were shocked to see Israeli planes streaking across the sky to intercept them. "I thought they were sitting out this war," Pat said. "They must be elePISSED from all those scuds," Don said. "Can you blame them for wanting to strike back?" Kristen asked. "Yes," Pat replied, "because they want to strike back at US." "We shouldn't shoot them down," Kristen said, "since they are our allies and they just think that we're Iraqis." "I have a plan," Don said. He took over control of the plane from Pat, and gave Pat the cans of Spam that they had been saving for dinner after they landed. "See if you can hit the Israelis with this." "No problem!" Pat said. "Go go gadget arms!" Pat stretched his arms out to an unbelievable length, and tossed cans of Spam into each Israeli jet's cockpit. The Jewish pilots, unable to cope with being in such close proximity to an unkosher pork product, were forced to eject. Pat, Don, and Kristen flew over them and continued en route to Baghdad. "My arms are stuck out again," Pat complained. Pat, Don, Kristen, John, Jim, Kevin, and Liam all met later that day in a safe house in Baghdad, which they had been directed to in their secret orders. When Arthur and Jay failed to show up, they suspected the worse and resolved to carry on without them. Now that they were in Baghdad, they prepared for the next phase of their mission... "What ever happened to 'Give Peace a Chance'?" Homey asked as the protesters beat him repeatedly with their wooden signs. Jay and Arthur were in an underground bunker with the Iraqi pilots who had been sent out to shoot them down. No one had figured out yet that they were not also Iraqi pilots, so they were free to move about the underground base at will. "This is probably one of the last Iraqi Air Force bases left," Arthur whispered to Jay. "Before we head to Baghdad, we should probably try to blow this place up." "You realize," Jay said, "that we'll probably never make it out of here alive if we try that?" "Maybe it's time for me to try this lamp," Arthur suggested. From -> Zork Pendragon Arthur produced the lamp from his pocket. "Now we don't know if this will work or not, but we all by now probably guessed it will." Arthur rubbed the lamp, humming the "I Dream of Genie" theme song. Smoke billowed out of the lamp. Arthur was expecting this. The Avatar, being from 161 AD Britannia, was also unperturbed. The smoke quickly compacted and condensed into a vaguely short human shape. "I am the genie of the lamp, but you can call me Moonbeam," the genie began. "Thank you for releasing me." "Ahem. Wishes," Arthur implied rather rudely. "Very well, I can grant you three. There's a clause in my contract that says you can't wish for more wishes." "Standard arrangement," Avatar agreed. "I wish this story had a comprehensive plot and storyline," Arthur intoned. "Even *I* have my limits!" Moonbeam retorted. Cannon Ball decided to do a bit more cloning before his assault on Baghdad. By the next morning the amassed Cannon Ball corps reached 300 people. John, Jim, Kevin, Liam, Don and Kristen peered into the Baghdad streets. All of them except for Pat, who was still trying to get those goddamn arms to retract. Each brandished an Uzi, and a slight hangover (all except Liam, who was also running out of straightedge songs to quote, he had to settle for "Beer is queer," which isn't actually a song, but no one noticed the difference anyway). "Let's nail the bastard," John grunted. From -> Homey The Clown Unfortunately, the weather did not turn -30 so the jello failed to freeze. "Goddammit!! Fucking stop hittin' (ouch!) me!! Fuck you!! Hey, asshole!!" Homey was hurting. From -> Back Slash Homey elbowed Drewman in the crotch, and pushed him over. He then made a run for it through the opening in the crowd that Drewman's massive body falling had cleared. The peaceful anti-war protesters, foaming at the mouth, started to pursue him. "Shit!" thought Homey. "I was hoping this jello would freeze! This shit is useless!" Homey threw the jello over his shoulder. A minute later, after hearing some very strange sounds, Homey stopped and turned around. All of the protesters (about half of which were Cannon Balls) had slipped and fell in the jello, and were all complaining that they had "fallen and can't get UP!!" Laughing, Homey ran back and began to kick the living shit out of the prostrate protesters. Half an hour later, when all that remained of the protesters was red goo on Homey's shoes, two secret service men once again appeared at Homey's side. "Come with us, please." Homey was escorted back into the Oval Office. "I've changed my mind," Bush began. "Can't just let you go loose, oh no, that wouldn't be prudent. In fact, I think we've found a way that we can use you." Bush handed Homey a stack of satellite photos which showed 512 Cannon Balls marching toward Baghdad. "This person, all of him, might interfere with an operation we've got going in the ITO [Iraqi Theatre of Operations]. We want to send you over there to deal with them... er, him." "Certainly," Homey the Clown agreed enthusiastically. "I had never realized before how much fun it was to beat the hell out of Cannon Ball!" He considered for a minute. "I may have trouble with that many of him, though. You'd better let me bring my partner, Lord Ice, with me." Half an hour later, Homey and Lord Ice were already streaking across the Atlantic in a supersonic transport plane toward the Middle East, heavily armed and even more heavily drunk. From -> Shadowstorm While the bunch of them were standing in the middle of Baghdad, Pat finally contracted his arms as a hoard of lemmings attacked them on their way to the sea! Pat yelled, "Everybody grab on!! Go-go gadget helicopter!!" The entire bunch grabbed on and hung on for dear life. Then Jim showed up. The entire bunch hung on for dear life (or, at least, for their sensible shoes). Then, to their amazement, Jim showed up following the lemmings that were going to their deaths like they had intended in the first place. He tried to jump on to the chain and the weight was to heavy for the gadget helicopter and everyone fell. Broken body pieces were spread out on the owners. Liam jumped up and yelled, "you broke the bag of lime jello that was in my pocket you big oaf!!" At that point in time, Jim was not too happy about the whole situation. And, wouldn't you know it, Jim had a full crate of jello in his pocket! He then proceeded to hand out the jello to all of the people present and said three words signifying the jelloing of Liam: "Ready, aim, SHIT!" As everyone was getting set to launch their jello in Liam's general direction, they all stopped motion and listened to the cry of a certain peace person. They heard, "stop! There shall be peace here whether you like it or not!!" And who was there? Yes, folks, you guessed it, it was Cannon Ball, standing on top of a nearby building which he jumped onto in a single bound (from an elevator) with his chest bulging out and a red "S" on his blue vest. Kristen, Pat, and Don took their jello in hand and counted to three... SPLAT!! CB was jelloed, and then the rest of the gang threw their jello, except for liam who was still petting his jello and comforting it from its fall. Then Jim said, "That's the best thing you can do to shut him up?!" They all looked at each other and then focused on CB... Raising their uzis, they all smiled, and Don said, "eleTOAST". CB's powerful expression turned to a look of immense fear. "Blow the douche bag away," was heard from amidst the group, then gunfire was heard and many sounds of gushing blood were heard. Following this incident, the Warwick police showed up and surrounded the bunch. From -> Homey The Clown "Let's get going." Homey and Lord Ice jumped from the very fast plane and prepared to open their parachutes. "Damn!! My chute won't open!! Help!! Ahhh, the ground's getting close!!!" screamed Lord Ice. Spllaaattttt!!!!! Ice's body (Ice Ice Body?) broke into a zillion little pieces of ice on the desert sand. Homey was amazed; then, saw some bright lights and some very small object fall down a tower... but, the commotion that Ice made also brought company. "What the hell, more CB's!! I guess that's what this is for!!" You see, amidst the noise, CB clones were running toward Iran, hoping it would save them from complete destruction. Homey pulled out what appeared to be a RoboCop gun and cocked it... pulled the trigger... Badadadada bang!! One CB fell down, his stomach leaking and his guts partially hanging out. The rest of the CB's ran like hell and the only one with a weapon aimed, and then slipped on the guts and shot himself in the crotch and screamed for mercy... Meanwhile, up in the sky, Homey was shooting them down one at a time and having fun every minute. "Hahaha!! This is SO much fun!! Hey! What's this? Nerve gas!! lalala!!" Homey pulled the pin, threw the grenade down, and in a second all the little CB's were twitching like they had epilepsy attacks big time... From -> Zork Pendragon In the commotion of Pat, Don, Shiva, Jim and Liam's escapades (see Don's post), which distracted Iraqis immensely, John and Kevin snuck around to the back entrance of Hussein's palace. "If the rest of them can keep up the diversion, we can probably get into Saddam's private chambers," John figured. "What to wish for... hmmm..." Arthur thought. "I'm waiting!" Moonbeam screamed impatiently. "So am I!" Jay yelled. "Don't rush me, I wanna pick just the right thing..." From -> Falcon A squadron of F16's was launched to check out the massive confusion. In the lead, however was one of the most daring USAF pilots ever, commanding his F19 Falcon (give you one guess who the pilot was). The reconnaissance squadron was launched to investigate a huge, massive multitude of things in eastern Kuwait. Expecting to see Scuds, Falcon and the rest of the squadron were quite surprised to see thousands of CBs replicating uncontrollably, like a cancerous tumor. Some were being pegged off by an Uzi, but nowhere near enough to daunt the uncontrollable reproduction happening... "Falcon One to base," cried the great, intelligent Falcon. "Go, Falcon One!" "I, I, I just don't know how to describe this..." From -> Madmouser As Kevin and Liam snuck into the palace they ran into a little shaking man who promptly grabbed them and screamed "DO YOU HAVE ANY VALIUM!?" "Yes, we most certainly do!" cried Liam in shock. "Thank you... Can I have 50 or 60?" asked the stranger. "Sure, here you go," added Kevin. The strangely familiar man gulped down the pills, and they steadied him somewhat. As he ran out the door and towards the group causing the distraction, Kevin's face lit up. "THAT WAS HUSSEIN!! GET HIM!!!" "Oh no, not again," moaned Saddam as the 'elitists' came after him, but in his panic and confusion he ran right into the rest of the gang. "Hurry up!" screamed Moonbeam. "I just don't know what to wish for," moaned Arthur. "That's Hussein! Get him!!!!!!!" Kevin roared! Splat! Hussein got hit with 10 pounds of jello, which knocked him unconscious. The troops now had Saddam, but how were they supposed to get out of Iraq? "This is the Falcon. Sir: we can't wipe them all out. This will be a disaster if you don't do something soon!" "Right! Return to base. We're sending in the big guns." "Roger." From -> Shadowstorm As soon as Saddam was in the troop's grasp, a huge booming voice slammed the ears of all of the people in Iraq. The voice said, "THAT IS MY SADDAM, GET YOUR OWN SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU DICKS!!!" To their surprise it was the voice of the ever-disliked Lord Ice! He was the actual manager of this war; he was the control panel that had Saddam doing all of the dirty work, since Lord Water didn't have the spheroids to be the front man. Then appeared a huge movie screen above Saddam's bunker. Lord Water appeared there and started yelling in the loudest NKOTB voice possible. Then what appeared below the screen but the ever lovable Electric Art, with a long pipe thingy attached to a backpack(oh what a giveaway!) and also had a lighter in hand. "Ooops," said Art as the screen lit up in a mad furious fire. Then when the Iraqi forces tried to capture Arthur, he disappeared from sight and the troops had been bewildered. They looked up in a scared amazement listening to the screaming sounds of the F16 (see the 6 not the 9!). The F16 swooped down and buzzed the Iraqi forces and three helicopters followed. There were large liquid distributors mounted on the bottom of the helicopters which sprayed out large, even amounts of flammable jell-o. The F16 circled back and started to launch missiles, but before the missiles could hit, Back Slash had thrown his trusty lighter into the mess and started the lands on fire. He then proceeded to place his backpack on the ground and fiddled with the contents of the pack. Back Slash raised his hand and yelled, "Get the hell out of here, PICK ME UP first you geeks!" The choppers swooped down and picked up stragglers; Don, Pat, and Kristen showed up in three jets, an F14 tomcat, SR-71 Blackbird, and stealth fighter. They destroyed Lord Ice and his bunker with no real reason since Back's pack (punny), was filled with large amounts of nuclear material (oh what a giveaway!!). The entire bunch screwed out of the area and slowed down then turned around and saw a large mushroom cloud covering the city, area and nearby continents. A large "SON OF A BITCH WE DID IT" was heard above the explosive roar (shyea right) and they then started to call themselves the "Jello rangers". "Now we're off to conquer new lands, buildings and, yes even tyrants!" said the co-leader of the gang, John. From -> Zork Pendragon Flying away in the Tomahawk chopper, the D00Ds watched the giant explosive mushroom cloud go up. Moonbeam cleared his throat and said, "You've used up two wishes already, one for the nuke and one to teleport you and your companion (he waved at Jay) to your other allies. You have one wish left." "What's this about wishes?" Kevin asked, curious. "I'd wish for a radio show... HINT HINT FALCON!" Liam exclaimed not-so-subtly. Back in Saudi Arabia, it seemed the war was over, due to an unwarranted terrorist nuking of Baghdad. The D00Ds thought it unnecessary to explain Saddam's puppetness to the officials, who probably would have never believed a word of it anyways (I'm writing it and I don't really believe it). Of course the massive army of Cannon Balls spent their time cleaning up all the nuclear waste. Homey the Clown set off for Saudi Arabia. In the White House, George Bush was ecstatic. "They actually did it! Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!" he exclaimed. The Pentagon realized they needed scapegoats for the nuking. They had them. Upon exiting the landing copter, John, Arthur, Jim, Liam, Kevin, Pat, Don, Kristen, Jay, Falcon, and Homey the Clown were promptly arrested and thrown into a maximum-security prison, pending trial. Moonbeam the genie was with them as well. "Come on man, just one more to go! Act now and I'll even give you an interstellar spaceship!" Arthur, never one to turn down a bargain, caved in. "I wish we D00Ds were out of this prison." All of the prisoners (except, of course, Homey who is not a D00D) were subsequently teleported to a spaceship roughly the shape of the Mass AV van that was orbiting a planet none of them had seen before. Moonbeam was still with them. "I have no powers left... might as well hang with you guys for a while." The teleport portal was closing fast, Homey knew he had no time to waste; quickly he jumped into the portal and found himself in the back of the large Mass AV van, unnoticed by the 11 D00Ds. For fear that they would throw him out, he hid. For now. From -> Homey The Clown Homey hid in a little corridor, and then ran for the elevator. He pressed a button labeled "Time Warp Activation Level" and then held onto his hat... "Bing!" rang the elevator bell, and Homes stepped out onto a big platform with a huge machine and a button and a keypad in the corner. "Ahhhh! Let's try this!!" He pressed AD 161 Britannia. The machine whined and flashed and whined and flashed some more, then it sent a vibration larger than a nuclear weapon would and shocked the ship pretty bad, but it held still... and then a large boom, echoing through the halls... Homey looked out a small monitor and saw a forest and a waterfall in the background... From -> Back Slash After several frantic days of commando action, the D00Ds needed a rest. They camped out in the field near the waterfall, ate fresh fruit from nearby trees, and had a jolly old time. "I feel like the fucking Smurfette, surrounded by all you guys," Kristen said. "Are you guys SURE you don't find me voluptuous? Speak up, I may be the only bitch around..." "We couldn't even get our own women before heading out here," John complained. "That would just complicate matters," Arthur said. "There are too many characters here already." Arthur pulled out a gun and said, "Maybe I should start cutting down the numbers." "Once we have a purpose," Kevin suggested quickly, as the gun oriented on him, "we can split up into teams and get silly again. You'll see." "Arthur's just having a post-adventure letdown," Jim explained. "Someone come up with a plot. Now!" From -> Cannon Ball Cannon Ball Prime (the original) stood on the balcony. He was still wearing his vest with the big S on it because it was bulletproof. This wasn't the first time that a group of reactionaries tried to shoot him down and wouldn't be the last time. He stood on the balcony and watched as hundreds of legally copied Cannon Ball Archival Back-Ups dealt with the mess the war and the D00Ds had left behind. Radioactivity had to be cleaned up. Bridges and hospitals had to be rebuilt. The government had to be re-established. Cannon Ball could have become the new ruler of Iraq (there were enough of him so that he could have voted himself into power) but he chose instead to find where the D00Ds had gone. He assembled the Cannon Ball Corps and the combined concentration of all of that brainpower was able to open a portal to where the D00Ds had gone... The D00Ds were all asleep on the grass as the hoards of CBs poured into 160 A.D. Britain and surrounded them. The D00Ds were all tied to trees and helpless. "And now," said Cannon Ball, "for the hot fudge sauce!" Unknown to them all, Homey the Clown was still in the van. Since he didn't know how to use the van controls to escape, Homey came up with a plan to rescue the D00Ds from the thousands of Cannon Balls who were brewing something in a large pot. From -> Zork Pendragon Homey tried to start the van. "Darn, I wish Mommy had taught me to drive. I'd better rescue the D00Ds so I can get home in time for supper." Tied to trees, the D00Ds watched as the CBC (Cannon Ball Corps) were about to cook them and eat them. "Cannibalism is not socially elite!" Liam protested. "Ah, but Cannonballism is!" they responded in unison. An idea occurred to John. "Wait! Let me go and... and... I'll give you a userbabble!" The CBC pondered... From -> The Avatar Just as Cannon Ball was about to FUBAR the D00Ds, The Avatar had a thought. "Hey, we transported to 161 AD, and CB said in his post that he went to 160 AD... He's still got a bloody year to wait before we even appear here!" The Avatar thought he had saved the D00Ds but then Kevin said, "Remember the continuity thing." "Oh yeah... Hey, I tried..." Cannon Ball then proceeded. The thought of finally having a userbabble, however, remained in his mind. From -> Homey The Clown Homey thought for a while. "Why the hell should I rescue them!? They would let me die!!" Homey said to himself. "Bloody hell!!" Homey pulled out a BB gun, pumped it about a trillion times, then walked out and saw the CBC. He took a look at the pot, figured out a trajectory solution, and fired. PING!! Because Homey had pumped it up so much, it bounced off the pot and started speeding through all of the CB's. Every few seconds, another one died. Homey sat there watching with glee as the last one died except the real Cannon Ball. The pellet landed in the gun ready to be fired again. "Hahaha! It's about time you meet your end!!" Homey looked on with glee as he pulled out a dagger and threw it with the accuracy that only a thief could manage. It sped through the air and hit CB in the head (since bulletproof vests only go up to the shoulders). His miserable husk hit the ground with a "thud". Homey looked at the D00Ds and said, "Why should I rescue you? You'll probably dump me here so I can die without any girls." Homey pulled the dagger out of CB's head and cut John, Art, Kristen, Liam, and Matt out of the ropes holding their legs and hands together. "Now you can do whatever you want, just take me with you!! I don't feel like dying here!!" From -> Shiva After the D00Ds were released from their bonds (kinky, eh?) they quickly proceeded to tie up Homey and throw him in the back of the Mass AV van. "Hey, what the fuck are you guys doing? I saved you. How could you do thi...." before he could finish his irritating babbling, Pat gagged him with duct tape. (How did they get it in 161 AD? There's no continuity, maybe it was already in the van.) Nothing more was heard from HTC. "So guys," said Don, "what are we gonna do now?" "I know," said Sir Jell-O of Lime, "we can search for the Holy Grail, just like they did in Monty Python's movie." And suddenly a revelation hit Art. "The Audi's back," he said, enthusiastically. "Really?" said John. "No, come on, give me a break. How do you know this, Art?" "God told me. It's just behind these trees over here." They drove the van through the trees and tapped the back of something. "OH MY FUCKING JESUS!" exclaimed the ever un-hysterical John. "It really is the Audi!!" Then everyone exclaimed: "Once again, kids, it's AUDI D00Dy time." Liam replied, "Just like the good old days. Maybe ETHEL's around here somewhere too." "Gee, I dunno," responded Art. "God didn't tell me about that one..." From -> Homey The Clown "Mmmmmmmmm!!!" Homey couldn't say a fucking word with this shit on his mouth. Hahaha! He moved his knee somewhat upward and a knife appeared through his grayish jeans and cut the ropes. He then, painfully, tore the tape off his mouth and held in the pain without screaming. He drew the dagger, walked away, and saw the D00Ds marveling at something. Homey took the dagger and took aim. Madmouser's shirt pinned to a tree, what a plan! He threw it. Unfortunately, Homey was not the greatest of throwers, and cut Pat's arm along with him stuck to the tree. "Hey! How come I can't move? It's only my shirt!!" "Super glue," Homey gloated. Art screamed, "who the hell do you think you are!!??" "Shut the fuck up!!" Homey pulled out another knife and a gun (I wonder where I get all these wonderful toys). He pointed the gun at Art and the knife at John. "I saved your asses from becoming chocolate frosted, and what do I get? Tied up by a bunch of dicks! Well, tie yourselves up, assholes! Now!" BANG! A bullet landed about ten centimeters from Art's shoe. They all tied each other together with only Kristen left. "Get the fuck down! I'm not in a very good mood!!" Homey pulled out two pairs of metal handcuffs and put them on Shiva's legs and hands. "Let's see you fucking get out of that!" She tried, but alas, they would not budge. He threw them all into remote areas of the Mass AV van and went to the time-traveling device. He selected '1 AC, Krynn, Solomnia'. He looked out of the monitor and saw a burning, blasted plain area, made that way from the cataclysm... From -> Moonbeam Matt said, "Homey, you have the worst damn English I ever saw/heard!" Well, since the Audi is back, the wigglewumps drove back to their little rented suite near the chasm. CLUNK! As the car slowed to a halt, they looked back and to their not-so-surprise they saw John's transmission sitting in a little heap on the side of the highway. "Fuck it. We'll walk." From -> Back Slash "You realize, of course," Pat began, "that we're trapped here now that Homey has the Mass AV van." "Even that isn't suspenseful enough," Kevin replied. "We need more of a plot that just THAT." "Considering that the last plot twist was by Cannon Ball, it was only natural that it sucked shit," asserted Shiva. "Yeah, huh?" John agreed. "With writing like that, he doesn't deserve a UserBabble." "Although his spelling and punctuation are still better than some of yours," Arthur chimed in, once again proud of his superior intellect. "Fuck you," Liam replied, once again proud of his superior elitism. "Wait a minute!" Don exclaimed. "Can't we just get back home through a moon gate, like Avatar used in the first place?" "The next moon gate isn't for a month," Avatar said. "After that, we can go anywhere." "I don't understand any of this," Falcon complained. Homey was playing with the controls of the Mass AV van, trying hard to figure out how to get home in time for dinner. He hit one sequence, which programmed the van to leap to a random set of co-ordinates. Then, before the van dematerialized, he hit the ejector seat button. Homey was thrown out of the van, landed on his butt, and watched the van disappear. "Shit!" Homey yelled. "Now I'm trapped here! This is all those D00Ds' fault!!" "You don't say," replied a coldly logical and emotionless voice. "As I see it, a time machine would be much too disruptive to the story. I don't mind seeing it go." The stranger, who looked so oddly familiar, asked Homey to lead him back to the D00Ds. "But they'll kill me!" Homey protested. "It's very rare for characters to actually die in these stories," the stranger replied. "But since you've killed off another user, perhaps I should kill YOU off." Homey stopped protesting and started leading. From -> Shadowstorm "Why the hell are we back here?" screamed Pat. "To continue the plot that a few jealous and stupid (Homey and CB) characters couldn't keep going," said Arthur. "Yes, let's look for the Holy Grail, or at least that house of very horny young ladies!" said John with a glazed-over look in his eyes. "Yeah, let's find the whore house," yelled the rest of the gang, except for Shiva (she's not a lesbian, to our knowledge), in unison. From -> Homey The Clown Homey wandered for a little while. "Come on then, I heard about a stash of weapons up north, in a huge plain area, like the central US plains. Some of the weapons may even be strong enough to kill the rest of the wandering CBC around here... and maybe there'll be some women!!" They wandered aimlessly until they saw the D00Ds, then he said, "Wait. Wait until I say to jump, ok Homey??" "Yeah." "Jump!!" About twenty minutes later all of the D00Ds were knocked out with large bumps on their heads. "Now that I have what I want, I want you to be like them." Clunk! He hit mike on the head. Mike awoke with the D00Ds on his left side. "Great! This is just like a Hawaiian vacation!!" "Homey, this isn't a vacation for us either," replied Liam. "Well, we'll have to work together or we'll all die, OK?" said Homey. "OK, only for now." Homey sat up, pulled out another knife (I wonder how many I have left in here) cut their bonds, and waited for the rest of them to regain consciousness. He had the knife prepared for anything, as he did not trust them. From -> Back Slash Arthur awoke, confused. "What the hell happened? We were walking around, trying to decide what to do, when we were knocked out, disarmed, and tied to trees. Did a new subplot arrive while I wasn't looking?" Trying to look innocent, Homey said, "I have no idea. I was knocked out just like you guys were. I don't know what's happening." "Bullshit," the stranger said. "I find you, and ask you to help me find a group of well-armed adventurers. We find such a group, and you attack them." Homey gasped, but was unable to speak. "Your weapons are over there," the stranger continued. "Re-arm yourselves, deal with the clown as you will, and then I will tell my story." The D00Ds gathered up their weapons, kicked the protesting Homey a few times, and then asked the stranger to tell his story... THE STRANGER'S STORY: "I am called the Electric Monk. I am from a monastery thirty miles to the north. My order, the Abbey of the Bavarian Illuminati, was the guardians of a powerful magical artifact called the Off-White Orb of Ordinath. A year ago, an evil wizard named Tio Sancho attacked our monastery, killed all of the monks but me, and stole the Orb. "Sancho has been studying the Orb, and will make his move soon. A skilled magician may do anything he wishes with the Orb, and Sancho wishes for nothing less than complete dominion over the Earth, and a six-foot tall voluptuous babe. It is vital that we get the orb from him before it's too late. "I need your help. Will you assist me in defeating the evil Tio Sancho and recovering the Off-White Orb of Ordinath?" "No," said Arthur, pulling out his gun and shooting the Monk. "We need a better plot than THAT." Jim looked at his watch. "One month to the next moon gate." From -> Shadowstorm After Jim looked at his watch, he pressed his communicator and said, "personal log, star date: NOW! It is 161 AD, and we're waiting for another moon gate to arrive. We'll be heading towards the monk's monastery to see if getting the orb was worth a piece of the plot. Jim... out!" A voice came back from nowhere saying, "Gotchya, kiptin, will be wutchin' fer ye!" Everyone looked up in unison, "Scotty?" But anyway, the gang headed north towards the E-monk's monastery. They approached some friendly looking monks and asked them about the orb. One of the monks described it as a supernatural power god of the ages. Arthur looked at him then at Jim, then back at the monk and a shot rang out and the D00Ds looked at Art's pocket to see the pocket's nipple facing the monk and smoke leaving the pocket. "Still too corny!" said Arthur with a smile. The D00Ds wandered aimlessly for a couple of days picking food off bushes, and trying to find some friendly warm bushes to drink from. Then five days from the monastery they found paradise!! A colony full of lonely women that were 5'11", had blonde hair, blue eyes, and size 50 double D bras and legs to their ears!! Many ripe vegetables appeared in the pockets of the men (cucumbers, I think!). There was a mass-loud scream erupting from a lot of people; the D00Ds were in love and yelling about it. "Attack!!!" yelled the younger half as they ran in tackling about ten women at a time. From -> Madmouser After taking their fill of the women, Pat and John (who had abstained from the women) remarked that they had heard the women talking and found out that 20 or 30 of them had syphilis. They were told by the head monk to make a pilgrimage to the Chasm of Purging where their disease would be cured. The only problem was that the Chasm was over 50 miles away over rough terrain. The party packed up some pack animals and set out. About four miles out of the monastery they came across a little stream that they had to cross. There was a little bridge over this little stream that they had to cross, and standing in front of the bridge was a not so little knight dressed in black armor. What would happen to our heroes? Call back later and find out! From -> Tio Sancho While the hapless adventurers set out on their quest to the Chasm of Purging, Tio was hunched over his scrying pool, following them on their journey. Half-formed creatures scurried around him, babbling incoherently. These were his "experimental mutations". "Ahh, Master Tio, I see you are watching the Electric Monk and his friends... Do you think they give a flying fuck about that orb you stole so ingeniously?" whispered his latest unidentified mutant creation. "MOHAHAHAHA!!" cried Tio with an evil grin on his face. "Do you think we should give them a little distraction? What do you suggest, my mutated friend?" "Ahh, master, send them the black knight!" cried the little monster. "An excellent idea, my irradiated comrade," muttered Tio, grabbing a conveniently placed medallion inscribed with an evil symbol looking something like a cross between Mickey Mouse and an iron dildo. He grabbed on to the medallion, lifted it over his head, and began the necessary ritual to summon the black knight: "Now you put your right foot in, and your left foot out, and you do the Hokey Pokey and you shake it all about.." A large blue flash sprung forth from the medallion, and the dark knight appeared on the other side of the bridge the adventurers had been crossing... From -> Moonbeam "None shall pass." "Excuse me?" "None shall pass." The D00Ds were stumped. Nothing had ever been blocking their path before, not even Homey or Drewman. BOINK! Homey instantly appeared in front of them! "Oops," said Tio. "Bait!" cried Art. "Yeah!" the others said with pleasure. They picked up the fat person and hurled him into the pit. The black knight leapt off the bridge towards a canyon filled with Elvis impersonators. "Nooooooo!" cried the little boy. "Yes!" said the D00Ds. Art broke down crying. Jay noticed that Arthur had not participated in the tossing of Homey. "Why so glum?" asked Don. "We just got rid of the lamest person in the universe." Art cried and cried and finally said, "but he was my only child!" From -> Shadowstorm As the D00Ds traveled, they were getting bored and tired, not to mention horny, but all throughout their perilous journey, the masterful creator of halflings, or at least half-baked things (Tio) was watching their every move. Then, unbeknownst to them but beknownst to Tio, a new fellow appeared just beyond the clearing ahead. They came upon him and asked, "who the fuck are you, you little twerp?!" He replied, "I'm Kid Carson, you horny bastards!" Patmouser got all offended and yelled, "the horny bastards had been resolved a long time ago!!" "Sorry, toothpicker!" the Kid had said with a laugh. "I'm a new character to this story, and so am I, oh shut up you, no, you shut up..." "Shut up both of you, uh... you..." said Arthur in weirdment. The kid stated, "sorry, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I!" "Well we're all weird, so why don't you join along in our quest for life, or at least our quest for keeping our penises in nice shape!" exclaimed Avatar. "Yeah what the hell," said a few other D00Ds. The motley crue (Crue? EXCELLENT! schwing!! (Sorry Bill/Ted thingy)) went on their way to the purgatory place and figured out what would happen next when the next person called and posted. From -> Homey The Clown The real Homey was not thrown off the cliff, it was really a clone made by the CBC when he was parachuting down and nerve-gassing them. The real Homey was in a castle, with an awesome looking blonde, healing him with the powers of sex (hehe)! From -> Madmouser Homey stayed in the castle for five months, but what he didn't know was that the very first girl the he fucked had syph, so he died a painful and quite nasty death. (Tough luck eh?) Now, as the D00Ds were walking down the trail after getting rid of the black knight, Tio was in his tower raging. "What the fuck do you mean they killed my knight?" "Yes master... They threw him off the little bridge and he drowned in the little stream," replied the henchman who then got blasted into little teensy weensy pieces by Tio. "It's sooooooo hard to find good help these days," said Tio. Tio then proceeded to create the most devious plan to date to get rid of the D00Ds. The spell he used hadn't been used in thousands of years, but that meant nothing to him. As he was casting the spell he thought that he could imagine the horrible vicious beast that would appear to do his bidding, but when the spell was done and the obligatory puff of smoke had cleared he saw that there was a little white bunny rabbit. A little less than amused he sent this 'monster' to try as best it could to kill the D00Ds. As the D00Ds were walking down the path heading for the chasm, a huge earthquake made a crack appear in the road that the party couldn't get across, but after careful searching Don found a little unused path the was quite overgrown. As they started down it don remarked, "Thank goodness we found this path, I really didn't like the look of that crack, I remember what the last one did to me..." There were many groans from the party. As the D00Ds walked down the path it ran into a little box canyon, which had only one visible exit, the way they had entered. Tio was watching this with glee. They were walking right into his trap. With his orb-enhanced powers, he made another earthquake happen and sealed off the canyon, and in the earthquake the cave where the bunny was waiting opened up. The bunny was happy in an evil sort of way, because he hadn't killed anyone in a couple thousand years.... He started to sharpen his teeth as the humans approached the cave. As they drew closer he started to drool. From -> Back Slash Arthur had not used the syphilis-laden females either, because he wanted to keep his testicles. Donna had threatened to remove them once when he took her to a club but was caught french-kissing another woman in the parking lot. But that is another story. However, the strain of killing the Electric Monk, who was another manifestation of himself (1800 years later, the spirit which had been the Electric Monk would be reincarnated once again as Arthur), and the confusion of having his personality changed several times (to program 4- a-69, among others) had caused Arthur's already fragile psyche to snap. Deliriously babbling about his only child having been killed (which had happened in his last life, and which the killing of Homey had reminded him of), Arthur ran away from the party. He was screaming hysterically, and traveling in a straight line over or through anything in his way. The party decided not to try to chase him (they knew better than to mess with him when he was less sane than usual), and continued on without him. Which is a pity, because Arthur (under Program 4-A-69) was precisely what they needed to deal with the killer bunny which awaited them. But they didn't know this, and continued on in blissful ignorance (which is how most of them habitually traveled anyway). However, Arthur's sudden attack of past-life indigestion was a blessing in at least one way: the evil wizard, Tio Sancho, was not able to watch two places at the same time with his scrying device. Since Arthur was (coincidentally) heading straight for Tio Sancho, the wizard was watching Arthur. Therefore, Sancho's eyes were off of the rest of the D00Ds, who were able to deal with the rabbit without further intervention by the Orb-wielding mage. But how are they supposed to deal with the killer bunny? Shit. That's not my problem... From -> Tio Sancho "Who is this guy?" muttered Sancho. "What the HELL does he think he's doing?" "Ugg, shmmaaster, ahhh, uggg, should I deall withhhh himmm?" moaned a writhing abomination. "I will hold him, and cuddle him, and pet him and call him George." "Hmmm... A two-ton monster cuddling ANYBODY would be interesting," Tio thought to himself. "Go ahead. That will, hopefully, deter him from his current objective." As Tio watched Arthur, our hopeless group of adventurers, having dealt rather efficiently with the rabbit, faced another problem-how to scale the immense stone walls which he had created with his earthquakes. Tio, having noticed by now that his plan was utterly foiled, was screaming in utter, absolute, terrible anger. He decided to BLAST them; to utterly, irreversibly destroy them. So he cast his blasting spell. The adventurers were immediately covered with a mound of inflatable girls named Taiwan. They knew their names were Taiwan because that's what was stamped on the undersides of their feet. So from there, it was no problem to blow up the girls, bite their tits, and fly to ground level as the pressure was released. Tio, being majorly upset at this time, started -- yes, he did -- he started to want to GIVE UP. To STOP trying to harm the party of adventurers and continue in his quest for a 6 foot tall voluptuous babe... What Tio didn't know was the side effect of all this spell casting was to turn Lord Ice into something like Lord Yellow Piss. Lord Yellow Piss, of course, was pissed. And he headed toward Tio. "Hopefully, he hasn't been killed off already," said Aaron, the person writing this post. From -> Shadowstorm He decided that destroying Tio was out. Putting him in limbo with a few Dance Fever dancers would be enough. Tio was gone and a new master ruler was in the story. The thing is, he is a lot stupider! This personification of brilliance then decided to blow the planet up!! EVERYONE DIED AND WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL!!! (Sorry, depression can do that type of thing!) This brain then decided to knock the wall down and with his full brain cell, he knocked the wall down. Away from the travelers! Everyone was safe, and now they were in the Chasm. "THINGIE! THINGIE THINGie THIngie Thingie" echoed throughout the cavern as the D00Ds yelled it in unison hoping there would be some alcoholic beverage-type stuff awaiting them in their time of genital pain. From -> Zork Pendragon Falcon, Don, Matt, and Jay began frantically searching through the chasm of purging for the cure to their hideous venereal disease, shouting, "Hello, is a cure there?" in repetition. Watching slightly amusedly, John, Pat, Jim, Kevin, Liam and Shiva sat down and discussed quantum physics. (It's already been stated that John and Pat didn't want to cheat on their female units, Jim, Liam and Kevin felt the same way. Shiva abstained for obvious reasons.) Arthur was running through the woods, destroying several small villages in the process. The evil wizard Tio Sancho, pissed that no one was paying the slightest bit of attention to his devious schemes, began to whine and pout. "Where the fuck is that purging chasm!?!" Don screamed. "Hi-ho fellas", a new voice sounded. "Oh shit", Kid Carson (did I forget to mention he was lookin' fer the chasm too? sorry) muttered, "Homey's back." "Fucking dick! How many times do we gotta kill him?!" Matt screamed. "Well", Jay began philosophically, "there is another role he could fill. In ancient Dragnet stories, there were always some 'losers' in the party who could take the brunt of the damage inflicted by enemies. This was usually fulfilled by the younger users, in the old days it was me and Kev, ESPECIALLY KEV... unfortunately, since we've grown up and gotten lives in the interim, I think Homey may be able to fill our shoes..." (Jay thought a bit, then shook his head saying, "Nah, NO ONE could be as big a loser as Kev was when he was 12...") "I say we kill him anyway!" Matt screamed. "You realize," Falcon explained, "that if he doesn't become the 'group loser', that may fall onto the next-youngest person in our group, who just happens to be you..." "Welcome aboard, Homey!" "Oh goody-gumdrops!" "Where the fuck have they gone?!" Kevin asked no one in particular, kicking some sand. "I dunno, but if we split up and look for them, maybe some silly things will happen to us," John suggested. John, Jim, and Pat went to look for Arthur, realizing that only Jim would maybe be able to calm Arthur down, while Kevin, Liam and Shiva entered what appeared to be a very interesting-looking cave to try and find Falcon, Don, Jay, Matt and Kid Carson (and Homey, but they didn't know that yet). From -> Back Slash After having killed over a thousand innocent bystanders and several brown badgers, Arthur shut down and stood completely motionless under an elm tree. Tio's malformed servants attacked him with every means at their disposal; but not only were they unable to harm him in any way; they weren't even able to make him notice them. Several of them killed each other in frustration, and the rest whimpered back to Tio Sancho to report their failure. Jim, John, and Pat watched the creatures leave. "Now I can try to reactivate him," Jim said. "If I had turned him on before, the creatures would have ripped him apart." "You can turn me on any time," John said to Jim, batting his eyes. Holding their aching dicks in their hands; Don, Jay, Matt, and Falcon climbed through the chasm seeking the syph cure. They eventually came to bridge leading over the fog-shrouded bridge. Before they could cross, however, the crazy old man from scene 29 jumped out. "Before thee can cure thy aching wee-wee, first thee must answer these questions three..." "Arthur on," Jim commanded. "System reset. System Test. Load personality one." Arthur got up and asked, "So, what have I missed?" "The four of us are here, about to be attacked by Tio Sancho again," John informed Arthur. "Don, Falcon, Jay, and Matt are about to answer some questions about unladen air-speed velocities of migrating falcons in the hopes of curing their dicks. Homey and Kid Carson are with them, so that we can have some characters answer incorrectly and be hurled into the chasm." "Good idea," Arthur said. "And it's about time we had a recap, too." "Tio is about to be attacked by Lord Ice, but only if Lord Ice is still alive, and we're pretty sure he's dead." "Maybe," Arthur suggested, it's Lord Ice's GHOST about to attack Sancho. That would be less of a strain on continuity." "We'll keep that in mind," Pat said. "Kevin, Liam, and Shiva are also hanging around in the chasms, but they're not doing anything that we know of." "Maybe," Jim said, "they should make some kind of discovery..." "Hey, guys!" Shiva yelled. "Look what I found!!" From -> The Avatar Jay agreed that Homey would make a perfect group loser, although not QUITE as good as Kevin in the old days. As the five walked through the cavern hopelessly looking for a cure, Don had a revelation. "Hey! Maybe if I just ran around hitting things and yell and scream real FUCKING LOUD we'll find the FUCKING cure!!!" "Easy Don," said Jay, "the banks will be open today." "What the hell did that mean?" asked the other members of the party. "Aren't inside jokes allowed in this story?" said Jay. "NO!" screamed Homey. Breaking in Homey as the group loser, Jay and Don (mostly Don) began to pummel Homey with all the heavy objects they could find. This new position seemed to be working out real well for Homey... "Uh, guys," said Matt, "We still have to find that cure thingy... Even if it is a rather silly plot twist and doesn't really fit in with the rest of the story..." "But then, not much does," remarked Kid Carson. "Well, Mark," said Jay with growing anger, "if you hadn't treated your old girlfriend with such un-nice-ness you wouldn't be looking for this cure right now." "Oh well, I don't care," said Mark. So the group walked on... Looking... Looking... Then after about three hours, thirty-eight minutes of searching, Jay saw something in the distance... It was glimmering... shining... glistening... As Jay approached the object, he yelled out "I think I found the cure!" As he came closer, Jay could make out the word "Disintegration". Yes, he had indeed found the Cure... From -> Madmouser Everyone crowded around Jay pushing and shoving to be the first to be CUREd, but when they got there, they saw that it was only a Cure tape. "Well I thought it was the cure," mumbled Jay. The party groaned, then started to break Jay in as the group loser, but before they got too far, Jay dropped the tape box and it opened, and there was a piece of paper in it that had directions for curing...and this is what it said: CURING IN ORDER TO BE CURED YOU MUST FIRST RUN THROUGH THIS CHASM YELLING 'HELLO IS JOHN THERE?' THEN YOU MUST GO THROUGH THE MISERY OF BEING A FAT MAN, THEN YOU MUST APPEASE THE CHASM GODS AND YOU ARE CURED. "What the hell does that mean?" asked Don. "I don't know," replied the Avatar. From -> Homey The Clown Homey looked at it. "Hmmm... Let's try this!! Hello, is John there?" Homey waited for the echoes to die down. "Come over here, Art." He tied Art and himself together and tried to walk. "Ugh!! Goddammit! Now I know what my brother feels like!! Well, I got the first two things finished! Just answer the third (I think)... Wait! I've got a cure in my pocket!" Mike pulled out a plastic bag with green leaves in it. "I got this from some guy in one of my afterlives. He said this planet's women carried sexual diseases, so he gave me this to cure any of the many illnesses. All you have to do is eat it, just make sure you do have a disease, or else you die." Mike put a huge grin on his face. "Eat up!" He passed it around to all of the people; they then ate it, including Art. From -> Shadowstorm As soon as the leaves were eaten by these people, Don looked around and thought, then spoke in a rather pissed off voice, "why is it that every time someone posts on this board, they seem to be magically cured of syph since 'they all were trying to be honest with their girlfriends'? It seems to me that some of these people were just trying to keep from being a little humiliated and trying to make fun of those of us without female companions." He thought a little more and yelled, "OK OK OK, no one has syph it was obviously a cruel joke played on all of us, then some of the wimpier people then decided to write themselves out of it. Thin plot! Very thin plot!!" As soon as he finished Shiva flipped her lid. "And what a nice lid it was," Matt brown-nosed. Shiva screamed, "Hey you cocksucking motherfuckers!!! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!" Everyone screwed over there and "ooooooooed" and "ahhhhed" all in unison (timing is everything). They had found a few little boxes, one had a lot of little cubicle things, one had some knobs and a big flat black thing, one had some little square holes and some red lights, one had a long flat hole and one had a knob and a lit red square. They were all connected together somehow and were flashing. Someone yelled, "Oh my FUCKING lord (no, not a normal lord, a "Fucking" lord) it's a COMPUTER!!" Pat asked, "what kind?" Don said "it's an IBM PC/XT with a 200 meg hard drive, a high density 5.25 inch drive, a data compressor board, superVGA, 38Kbaud modem and a short wave radio, not to mention the modular keyboard." The question arose, "how do you know so much about these things?" "I'd almost have to know about the best computer/computer market ever on the face of the earth," Don said, adding, "it may go obsolete quickly but at least all of them are compatible with the ones made earlier than the current one!!" They started playing with the thing and logged onto.... From -> Cannon Ball While the other people were watching the computer, thirty-six Cannon Balls were watching the people. These were clones that had seen thousands of other clones and the original all killed by the same fat little kid. They charged over the hillside. Arthur saw them and wanted to switch into a terrorist guardian, but the Cannon Balls told him that they just wanted Homey the Clown. "Fine, take him," Arthur said. "We can always find other people to beat on." Homey was carried away by the Cannon Balls and slowly filleted, carved, and dissolved in acid so that not a single complex organic molecule remained. The last Cannon Balls then retired to a monastery of their own and formed a new order try to promote peace and environmental awareness now so that the future (1991) wouldn't be so fucked up. "If only they just leave us alone," the Cannon Balls hoped. From -> Back Slash "By killing me, they have only made me more powerful!" the spirit of Homey exclaimed as he drifted across the countryside. "I am now one with The Force!" "More like one quarter with The Force are you," mentioned a wrinkled green creature that appeared before him. "Much have you to learn, indeed!" "The first thing I have to do is kick some Balls! Cannon Balls!" "No, no, no! Do that you must not!" forbade Yoda. "For this would within you the Darker Side of the Force invite. Help your friends you must." "Well, if you insist, for now," Homey said. "At least they can't use me as Loser anymore. They'll have to use Moonbeam." "Already wants to beat him does Shiva," Yoda said. "Wants Shiva to beat him does Moonbeam as well..." Arthur tried to placate Don before he started tree-fopping people (or people-fopping trees). "You yourself wrote the post where you gave the syphilis-laden wenches to the D00Ds," Arthur pointed out. "And you said that only the younger half of the group assaulted the women. Look it up." "Don't bother looking it up," John said. "Arthur's almost never wrong." "And if he is wrong, and you catch him in a mistake," Jim pointed out, "he may just decide to kill you." "In this case, he probably checked before talking," Pat guessed. "Indeed," Arthur said. "And, as I'm probably the eldest D00D (being twenty-four years old as of 3:15 PM today), I think it's fair to conclude, even before I came out and said it, that I was not among those who caught the dread syph. Besides, along with everything else in my coat pockets, are condoms. If only people had thought to ask me for they, some of them might not have been infected either." "Do we have to waste our time arguing like this?" Pat asked. "I'd much rather see what BBS Kristen managed to log onto in 161 AD," Arthur said. "This ought to be interesting." "Where are Liam and Kevin?" Jay asked. "Kevin is throwing Liam into the river," Falcon replied. "We voted him to do it, since Liam's stench was getting overpowering." "This is all very nice," Jim pointed out. "You do good dialog and all, Art, but you haven't really advanced the plot at all." "There's more to life than plot," Arthur pouted. From -> Shadowstorm "Arthur," Don said, "did you also happen to notice that the 'younger' half was partially older than the 'older' half; as in 'JayAvatar', who is older than one of the 'older' half. God, I hate these apostrophes, but that doesn't matter now anyway, no one has syph, and we're all wondering who Kristen has logged with." "Let's check," Jim agreed. "What the hell do ya' know, it's An Alias's BBS, how the hell did it get this far back in time? Don, you seem to know about IBM's, what happened?" babbled Jay. "Well, who cares? We're logged on and I don't feel like discussing the space/time continuum in 161 AD when I don't even understand how the hell we got here!!" bellowed Don as Shiva tried to download a program. "Shiva, what the hell are you trying to download?" John pondered (colorful phrasing, don't you think?) "I'm trying to get a time warp program," Shiva replied, and as soon as she said those two magic words, the entire gang jumped to their left, stepped to their right, put their hands on their hips, and pulled their knees in tight. Yep, it's the Time Warp! From -> Homey The Clown The spirit of Homey followed Yoda until he was standing in front of what appeared to be some sort of house. "House is mine, mine is house," said Yoda. "Come. Follow me and teach you I shall of the Force, and give you a light saber. Then help your friends you will." "OK, what have I got to lose?" asked Homes. "Nothing. Your body is dead but your spirit cannot be destroyed, in that which is so, you will be able to channel the force with greater ability, with less training. First, here is the light saber. This is a weapon of great power, you will even be able to destroy Darth Vader, as you cannot be destroyed." After they had had lunch consisting of lime jello and pizza, they went outside to train. A huge boulder stood in front of Homey. "Use the Force to pick this up," said Yoda. Homey stared at it like Luke did in "Star Wars." The boulder flew up, disappeared into the sky; and, unknowingly, hit the monastery filled with CBs and killed them all, body and spirit. From -> Tio Sancho Unbeknownst to Homey, Tio was intent on enslaving Homey's loose spirit, which could not be destroyed, and now had the power of a Jedi Knight as well. Tio traced an evil insignia on the dusty floor of his wizard's chamber, and sprinkled powdered jello gelatin around the insignia, creating an unbreakable wall of force which Homey, once summoned, could not break through. Tio, quite quickly and with no great difficulty, summoned Homey. Homey was instantly whisked out of his private training sessions with Yoda (God hopes the training sessions were the only thing Homey was doing with Yoda) and plopped into the center of the pentagram. "What do you want?" asked Homey. "You can't make me do anything. I will kill you with my light saber, simply because I don't like you." Homey tried to break the magic jello dust, but as all ancient and wise wizards know, the circl