"Sergeant Foul's Bane" - A Drag/NET Story By Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org (A Parody of Stephen R. Donaldson's "Lord Foul's Bane") "Hey, look at the pizza-face!" Zork Covenant walked through the halls of Mount St. Charles High School, showing no response to the tauntings around him, but inwardly raging. "Hellfire!" he thought. "I've tried Oxy-10, Clearasil, and Stridex! It's not my fault!" Zork was hit on the forehead by a wadded-up piece of paper. "Pimpled Outcast Unclean!" he yelled as he stormed forward to the principal's office. "I'm sorry, Mr. Covenant," Dr. Qua of the New Orleans Xtension Epidermal Medical Association (NOXEMA) clinic said two months ago. "There is no cure for your condition. All that can keep your condition from getting worse is constant vigilance. We will train you to keep your condition from spreading, and then you can return to normal life." "Hell, blood, and blocked pores!" Zork Covenant had stormed. "What chance do I have for a normal life with a face like this?" "All you can do is wait for adolescence to end. It may seem to take forever, but someday your face will clear up. Until then, unfortunately, people will find it very hard to accept you." Zork swore an oath and stomped out of Dr. Qua's office. Zork Covenant walked into the principal's office. The secretary looked very uncomfortable to be in his presence, and nervously asked, "What can I do you for?" "I need my assignments for the last two months," Zork mumbled. "I just got back from the NOXEMA clinic." The secretary looked through the filing cabinets. "There must be some mistake..." she stammered. "All of your assignments for the last two months are done. In fact, you're almost a month ahead on--" Zork screamed inwardly as he walked out of the office. They were doing his assignments for him so he wouldn't have to go to school. They wanted him to stay home so they wouldn't have to look at him. "Hellfire." "What's that on your face?" Zork's mother had screamed three months ago when he got up one morning. "Oh, Zork, how could you let this happen? Why didn't you wash your face more often?" "Oh, gross!" Zork's brother had proclaimed. "Stay away from me, man, I don't want any of those on my face!" A month later, when Zork's face had gotten worse despite all attempts to control it, they had sent him to a clinic in Louisiana that they had read about. Zork Covenant left the school. He saw no reason to stay when all his work was being done and people obviously didn't want him around. As he walked toward the parking lot, a strange man in yellow robes handed him a sheet of paper. "Be true," he said, turned a corner, and was gone. Zork opened up the paper and read: "Call Blackstone Valley BBS! 2400 baud, 24 hours a day! (401) 769-2055!" While he was reading this, Zork tripped on a speed bump and fell face-first towards the concrete. His vision clouded and he fell unconscious... Zork Covenant awoke in darkness. He was overpowered by the dark, the mustiness, the almost total lack of light or sound. Then, he heard arguing behind him. He quickly turned towards the sounds, fixing on them as evidence that he continued to exist in this lifeless abyss. "Yes, I did it!" A sniveling voice cried out. Zork saw a large form in the darkness with glowering red eyes which seemed to be the speaker. "He belongs to me! His power belongs to me! Me! Drooling Worminator, King of the Cavewights!!" "Yeah, huh?" another voice said. Zork turned to look at the other speaker, but could see nothing. If anything, it seemed darker and more lifeless where the second voice seemed to originate from. "I provided you with the Disk of Law, the fabled software that in olden times allowed Lords to shape the world to their whims. I could not use the disk and so gave it to you to copy and crack. I forbade you to use it. The disk and the human are both mine." "No! Mine!" Drooling Worminator cried, then cringed as the malevolent darkness moved toward him. "He is mine! I'll show you!!" The huge cavewight inserted the Disk of Law into his ancient computer and turned it on. As the computer went through its self tests and started loading DOS, the dark form leapt at the computer. "Computers suck!" the cold voice proclaimed, ripping the cord of power from behind the computer. "You will not use this against me. I leave you the disk, but the human is mine." The darkness approached Zork Covenant, and once more he became unconscious. Zork awoke once again. He sensed that he was outdoors because of the cool breeze and the natural scents around him. He opened his eyes and saw a starry sky above and rocky ground below. He also saw the same darkness which spoke to the cavewight earlier. Zork took one step backward and stepped in the source of one of the natural scents around him. "My name is Sergeant Foul," said the cold voice. The voice would be almost the embodiment of hate if it had had a body. "If I had any friends, they would call me Sarge. You will call me Sergeant Foul." The darkness moved even closer to Zork. "Hear me now, listen yesterday, and think about it tomorrow: I will be the ultimate power in this land. You will be helpless against me; you will even bring a message to the puny lords for me. This is the message you will deliver to them: "To Whom it may Concern: "I, Sergeant Foul, the Despiser and Evil Syspoip, will conquer this land and put all life and death under my power. There is no way to stop me, all you can do is slow me down. "Drooling Worminator, King of the Cavewights, has the Disk of Law. Unless you can regain this ancient relic and learn its use, your time remaining is but 90 days (plus weekends, spring break, and an occasional holiday). "Do not look to this Dork for help. He knows not his power, and can do nothing. As a gesture of contempt, I use him as my messenger. "Love, Sergeant Foul." Sergeant Foul drifted back. "You will give them this message, or you will join their downfall and it will be all the more swifter and bloodier." Foul then disappeared. Zork looked around, scraped his shoe along the road, and set out to see where it led... Zork Covenant followed the road down from the hilltop he was on into a small forest. The trees were all in verdant splendor, and Zork could see birds and other forest creatures merrily making their way. And then, he heard another sound over those sounds normally associated with forests, a sound which seemed remarkably similar to that of a girl singing. Zork made his way toward the voice. He found it in a clearing, emanating from a girl bathing in a pond. The voice was not the only thing emanating from the girl, however, and Zork stopped and stared. After Zork had stood motionless for a few moments, the girl noticed him and stopped singing. "Are you all right?" she asked in a lilting voice. Zork, not used to speaking with (or doing anything with) beautiful, nude females, said nothing. "What's wrong with your face? Can't you speak?" she asked. "Let me help you!" She stood up and started walking towards Zork. This was too much for him and he fainted. "I have to learn to stay conscious for more than three paragraphs at a time," Zork thought as he awoke. He felt a strange sensation on his face, and opened his eyes. "What are you doing?" he asked the as yet unnamed girl who was spreading mud on his face. "I am applying hurtloam to your face," she replied. "You had some ill which I did not recognize, but the hurtloam should cure it." She pointed to the pond. "Go soak your head." Zork sheepishly walked to the pond and washed the mud off of his face. When the water cleared and Zork could see his reflection, he was amazed to see that all of his facial blemishes were completely gone. Overjoyed, he threw his arms around the girl and kissed her. A fog clouded his mind and he began to lose control. "Oh no, not again," he thought... When Zork came to his senses later, the girl was gone. Zork looked around, and saw only his clothes strewn about the clearing and a blood stain on the sand next to where he was lying. He saw no sign of the girl, but thought he heard her sobbing in the distance. He tried to find her, to apologize to her. He never meant to hurt her or to cause her grief, but after his face had been cleared he lost control of himself. He tried to find her, but was unsuccessful. He heard an occasional rustling of leaves and decided that she must be staying one step ahead of him. Finally, after following the sounds of her crying for over an hour, he came to the end of the forest and saw a village. Zork adjusted his disheveled clothes and entered the village, hoping to ask for directions. As soon as he started talking to one old gentleman, the man started pointing at Zork's mouth and yelling "the white gold! The white gold!" Soon a crowd gathered. They all gazed at Zork's mouth in wonder. "It's true!" one man cried. "The white gold fillings! The time of prophecy has come!" "So what?" asked one voice in the back. "There's a Bad Apple in every bunch," the old man muttered, indicating the heckler at the rear of the crowd. In a louder voice, the old man shouted, "hear me! I am Swamprat, who found the oasis by which we founded our village! Will any contradict my authority?" No one spoke. "Good!" Swamprat proclaimed. "The day draws to an end. The bearer of the white gold will stay here overnight, and in the morning we decide what we shall do." Swamprat turned to Zork. "Come with me. You shall stay at my home. My daughter, Melena, went into the forest in the Oasis this morning, and has not yet returned." He smiled. "She is a Total Flake, but means well. You may have her dinner and bed as she often spends days and nights alone in the forest. Perhaps you saw her?" Zork shook his head guilty and followed Swamprat into his hovel. He didn't get any sleep that night; and, for the first time, finished a chapter conscious. "I call this meeting of the viLlage to order," Swamprat announced. "I trust we all know why we're here." "Let's get on with it," protested the man whom Zork knew only as the Bad Apple. "I've planned an exciting evening of banging rocks against my head and I don't want to waste too much time here." "You can get your rocks off later," Swamprat muttered. In a louder voice he announced: "The White Gold has arrived in the Land. Hard times are ahead. The Lords at RavenStone must be informed. Someone must guide him to RavenStone." "But RavenStone is a week's journey away," one man protested. "I will go," said Carol Hanks Swamprat-Mate. "I have been to RavenStone before, and can see that he has no problems. Give my love to our daughter when she returns." "Let's be careful out there," Swamprat said to his wife. "I shall await your return, and may good luck travel with thee..." Several hours later, after an elaborate dinner in his honour, Zork Covenant left the village with Carol Hanks and set out for RavenStone. Two days into their journey, as they were halting for a midday break, a man leapt out from behind some bushes. Screaming in anger, he drew a knife and charged at Zork. Zork recognized him as one of the men from the village, but could not remember his name. "Hellfire," he swore softly. "Trigambler!" Carol yelled, and Zork suddenly remembered the man's name. It was Trigambler. Trigambler payed her no heed, and jumped at Zork. Zork stepped aside. "Trigambler!" Carol yelled once again. "Is your hovercraft full of eels?!?" Trigambler stopped and turned toward Carol. "How dare you ask me that question? You too would ache to spill his blood if you knew what I knew! What that -- that -- that despicable wretch did to your daughter and my fiancee, Melena!" "Remember your Oath of Peace!" Carol admonished him, and then asked, "What did he do?" Zork looked for a rock to hide under. "He came across her in the forest while she was bathing," Trigambler raged. "She healed grievous wounds on his face, and he repayed her by raping her! She saw and recognized the white gold, and hid in the forest until after you left with him." He drew his knife and once again turned to Zork. "My Oath be damned. I will kill him for what he's done..." As Trigambler moved towards Zork, his knife drawn to kill, Zork looked around for an avenue of escape. He found none. During the course of the last few days, Zork had often wondered whether he was actually in another world, or if this was merely a dream (albeit a long one). He watched Trigambler's approach. He realized that he had no weapon, and would hardly be capable of defending himself against the enraged fiance even if he had one. Zork closed his eyes and began to pray desperately that this was all a dream. "Hellfire," he muttered. Why couldn't he dream of fast cars and faster women like all the other guys his age? "No!" Carol cried. Zork opened one eye and saw that Trigambler was now facing Carol instead of him. "This is too important a matter for revenge at this time despite the evil that he has done. His appearance is a bad omen for the Land, and he must be brought to the Lords for them to decide what action to take. My husband, Swamprat, declared that we should bring him. If we brought him back, my husband would not change his mind. The White Gold bearer must be brought to the Lords." For two full minutes, Carol and Trigambler stared into each other's eyes. Finally, Trigambler acquiesed. He turned and walked away, after saying to Zork in a cold voice: "I will keep my Oath of Peace for now, but I will not forget. We shall meet again." "White Gold bearer," Carol addressed Zork, "your coming portends bad times for the Land. It is said that you have a supreme power, and that you will save or damn the Land." She looked him straight in the eye and continued. "You will be brought to the Lords and they will decide what to do about you. I will not yet tell them of your crime. But if you fail or betray the Land, and I am able, I will kill you." She took a deep breath. "You're lucky you didn't arrive last week when Bad Apple was in charge. He would have wanted you dragged back, and would have devised a singularly painful punishment for you." "You mean your husband is not always the chief?" Zork asked, confused. "No," Carol explained. "We're an Anarcho-Syndicist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week..." Four days into their journey, two days after the attack by Trigambler, Zork Covenant and Carol Hanks found themselves passing through the beautiful forests of Iandelain. They stopped to rest, and nourished themselves with with the fresh fruit and clear, running water in the verdant hills. As they passed over one crest and into the small valley beyond, they each drew in a breath as they saw the rare sight before them. The Wraiths of Khan, insubstantial creatures of light and happiness, were frolicking about the clearing in a breathtaking dance which they customarily performed under every full moon. Zork and Carol, spellbound, spent an indeterminate amount of time watching them before they were forced to draw in another breath at another spectacle... A group of short, roynish creatures, in a back-slash shaped formation, came into the clearing and began to descend upon on the helpless wraiths. "What the hell are those things?" asked Zork, "And what the bloody hell does 'roynish' mean?!?" "Those are Ur-Vipers," explained Carol. "They are evil creatures who hate joy and love evil, mayhem, and destruction. Their leader, King Jay-Son of the Cold Lamp, has allied himself with Sergeant Foul, the Despiser and Defenestrator. Their presence here can only forbode evil..." And, as Carol predicted (although it wasn't a difficult prediction considering the nature of the Ur-Vipers), the Ur-Vipers began to attack the wraiths. Their back-slash formation seemed to focus power on the foremost member of the group, and he annihilated each wraith as it attempted to pass him. In a very short time, a fourth of the helpless shades had been blasted by the evil creatures. "Do something!" Carol pleaded of Zork. "You bear the White Gold, so open up your mouth and do something!!" Zork did something. After a sharp intake of breath, he opened his mouth and screamed: "HHEEELLPP!!!!" As soon as the scream left Zork's lips, another figure arrived in the valley. Zork and Carol performed another sharp intake of breath as they saw a White Knight, in shining armor, entering the valley. The Ur-Vipers paused as they saw the magnificent figure approach. "It is one of the Unfettered Ones," Carol explained to Zork in low, respectful tones. "After completing their training at RavenWood, but before they are sworn in as Lords, they decide to go into the world unbound to seek their own knowledge." Carol turned to the newcomer. "Please, O White Knight, could you help us against this foul scourge?" The White Knight spoke, in a voice oddly high-pitched for one of his demeanor. "I preach the doctrine of Self-Help," the Knight announced. "Here, let me give you these." The argent-armored knight threw several pamphlets at Carol and Zork's feet, turned, and left the valley. The Ur-Vipers returned to their Wraith-slaughtering. Zork and Carol read the titles of some of the pamphlets before them. "Be a More Positive Thinker", "Beat That Dependency", "How To Kick Ur-Viper Butt", "You Can Do And Be Anything You Choose"... Carol grabbed the third one and began to read frantically. The Ur-Vipers continued the wipe out the wraiths. After the Ur-Vipers had wiped out half of the wraiths, their line passed by Zork. Zork sneezed. It wasn't just any sneeze, but a real nose buster. It was, of course, preceded by a sharp intake of breath. As Zork sneezed, facing the Ur-Vipers and with his mouth fully open, lightning bolts shot out of his white gold fillings. "Damn," Zork said as the few remaining Ur-Vipers stumbled over the bodies of their charred comrades in their haste to flee. "I must really be coming down with something." Another day into their journey, Carol stopped and turned to Zork. "We have used up the last of our food," she announced bleakly, "and will find no more in this grassy land. I fear we will have no food for the rest of our travels unless we encounter a Waymeat." "I'm from Smithfield, not your bloody Land, remember?" Zork grumbled. His stomach grumbled with him. "Mind telling me what a 'Waymeat' is?" "The Ur-Vipers have cousins, the Pit-Vipers," Carol began. "Both races descend from the ancient race of Vindshield-Vipers, sworn enemies of Man. After the last war, a truce was made between Men and Pit-Vipers. As atonement for their past crimes, some Pit-Vipers now travel the land, distributing food to hungry travellers. A Waymeat is one of the places where their Spam Caravans stop, to give out meat from the spammelopes which the Pit-Vipers herd. If the Spam Caravans see anyone as the pass, they throw spam-meat out at them." "Why don't they just stop?" "The Pit-Vipers are bitter and resentful, and do not like to converse or deal directly with humans if given a choice. They have been known to take passengers occasionally, but never to RavenStone. They won't go there." Carol paused, listening to a far-off rumbling and scanning the horizon. "Look, here comes one now!" With unbelievable speed, the caravan passed. Two large tins of spam-meat were hurled out. Carol expertly caught hers; Zork barely dodged his in time to keep from being decapitated. As he picked his up, he noticed that the caravan was turning around for another pass. "Now what?" he asked. "Dessert," Carol replied, as a rubber tube smacked each of them in the face. Zork unsealed the end of his to find that it was full of a substance resembling lime jell-o. "One thing to watch out for," Carol admonished, as she bit off a piece of spam. "If you find one of those rubber things filled with a creamy substance, resembling egg whites, DON'T eat it." Shortly thereafter, they heard singing voices ahead. As they drew closer, they could hear that the singers were telling of ancient, far-off cities which had several names. "They might be Giants," Carol whispered, "but we'd better wait until we're sure before we make our presence known." Following her lead, Zork crept softly on the grass and slunk towards the jovial voices. They soon discovered two unbelievably large humanoids eating by a river singing about triangular men. "Ho, Giants!" Carol called. "Rock-heads, water-steerers, and great allies of my people, I salute you!" One of the giants belched as the other casually returned a salute. He exclaimed, through a large mouth over-laden with food, "I am SlashArt BeerSwallower, emissary to the Lords, and this is GwiiiSter GinFeaster, my navigator and assistant." The second giant extended his hand, and it took both Zork and Carol to shake it. "They are unfamiliar with our customs and may sometimes appear rude," Carol explained as both giants farted in unison, laughing heartily. "But we must still treat them with great respect; for not only are they great allies of my people, but they will also break all of our bones if we don't." Carol spoke in a louder voice for the giants to hear, "Are you going to RavenStone?" "Definitely," GwiiiSter GinFeaster replied. "There is an important conference tomorrow night, about the return of Sergeant Foul, the need for planning and preparations, discussions of strategy, and possibly declarations of war!" "That's right," SlashArt BeerSwallower confirmed. "And we're going because conferences this big are always followed by humongous parties." The two giants then began to laugh again, and muttered something about "Stress Management." "Well, then, in the name of the friendship between our people, I ask you to bring this Zork Covenant, White-Gold-Filling-Bearer and stranger to our Land, with you to RavenStone. He must address the Lords on matters of utmost importance!" She shoved Zork into the Giants' boat and hissed at him, "my obligation to you is complete. I have let you live only so you could go to the Lords and help them defeat Sergeant Foul. If you fail, and I find you, you will have much to answer for." Carol turned around, took a running start, and grabbed onto a passing Spam Caravan. As it streaked away toward the setting sun, Zork heard Carol yelling, "HEY! Isn't this chair attached to the floor? Don't turn so fast! YOOOWWWW!!!" Zork was exhausted. After his sudden appearance in the land, various emotional traumas such as meeting Sergeant Foul, terror of this odd world, and the rape of a girl who cured his acute acne; and enduring a five-day-long forced march toward RavenStone, seat of the Lords who defended the Land, Zork now found himself in the presence of two friendly but flatulent giants. "At least I'll be able to rest for the rest of this trip," Zork Covenant thought, as the Giants' boat drifted downriver to the Lords' keep, "my feet were ready to fall off... and I always thought gym class was bad!!" Zork rolled over and prayed for a strong wind, to both speed up the boat and clear the air, as he drifted off to sleep... "Hey! Little man!" Zork awoke to see SlashArt BeerSwallower's huge face staring intently at him. As his footlong fingers shook Zork, SlashArt asked him, "do you intend to sleep all day, small man?" "We are going to have to pump you up!" GwiiiSter GinFeaster exclaimed as he simultaneously performed morning exercises and gulped beer from an immense stone flagon. Zork yawned. He had been in worse situations, and with worse company. He smiled as he asked the giants what was for breakfast. "What else?" SlashArt asked, grabbing the flagon from GwiiiSter. "The same thing we had for dinner last night! BEER!!" SlashArt drank several gallon-sized gulps, and then poured some beer over Zork's gaping mouth. More beer splashed onto Zork than into him, but GwiiiSter pointed out that beer was good for the hair and the complexion. "You'll never see a Giant with zits or dandruff!" Gwiister explained jovially. "That's because we can't see your heads!" Zork laughed, as the strong Giantish beer began to take effect. Zork felt better than he had in a long time, and was both disappointed and violently ill when the boat finally arrived at RavenStone the next morning. "This is your room." Zork was brought into RavenStone surrounded by guards. He preferred to think of them as an honor guard, but he thought that honor guards aimed their spears up, not at the recipient of their honor. He was led to a room at the top of the east tower, and introduced to his guard, a man named Cannon Ball. The best Zork could figure, the guard got the name because he was very dark, and almost spherical. He didn't remind Zork of Fat Albert so much as the girl in Willy Wonka who was turned into a giant blueberry. "Cannon Ball will be your guard," The head guard told Zork. "He will protect you and watch you at the same time. Tonight you will be given a tour of RavenStone, and tomorrow you will attend a convocation of the Lords." "Killer," Zork replied sarcastically. "Do you guys have any aspirin?" "We know not of this aspirin, but if your head aches, which happens to most people who travel among giants, this will help." The guard gave Zork some of the mud (hurtloam) which had cured his complexion, and made him swallow it. Soon the hangover disappeared. "Rest and prepare yourself." Zork tried to strike up a conversation with Cannon Ball. All he could learn from him was that Cannon Ball was part of a distant race, who served and protected the Lords against Sergeant Foul, whom they referred to as The Supreme Fascist. Cannon Ball's people, who lived in remote mountains, traded this service for food and assistance from the Lords. The Lords usually had Cannon Ball's people guarding guests and the outside of the castle, since the Lords personally could not stand them. Rather than continue the conversation, Zork decided to catch some sleep before the big tour... "Wake up," Cannon Ball grunted. "The High Lord is here to personally conduct your tour. Of course, you probably won't understand any of what's going on, will you?" Cannon Ball loped off, muttering. "None of these people understand anything. They need my enlightening. Now if I were High Lord..." A large, strange man with black, burning eyes entered the room. His eyes pierced Zork's as he announced, "I am the Electric Lord Mhonkam. You shall come with me." "Don't you want my guard to come along?" Zork asked, sarcastically. "After all, you're only a full foot taller than I am." "I have no fear of any man, not even the White Gold Bearer," the High Lord replied, diplaying no emotion. He then wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Besides, I have no stomach for the company of Cannon Ball and his ilk." "This is the laboratory where the Lords prepare their research," Electric Lord Mhonkam announced. "Our lore is still primitive and far from potent, but we increase our knowledge every day. We attempt to tap into the vast EarthPower evident in nature." Mhonkam indicated one Lord, "this is Whiskey Willie. He has created a very potent potion which he calls 'stew' from fruits, grains, and other natural substances. It greatly increases the boldness of our soldiers, but often at the expense of their dexterity. Willie is trying to find a way of preventing the side effects that occur the next morning." Mhonkam pointed to another Lord and said, "this is Lord Doobage. He has gotten the most amazing and unusual results by burning certain herbs." Mhonkam then showed Zork a third Lord in the corner, standing next to a caged sheep. "This is the Holy Lord Cow," Mhonkam explained. "He is trying to improve the relationships between man and animals. The less said about his methods, the better." "What sort of powers do you command?" Zork asked. "I am able to summon and direct bolts of lightning!" the Electric Lord Mhonkam announced, sending a lightning bolt from his fingertips to char the wall behind Lord Doobage. "It is for this reason that I am High Lord, for verily can I kick all of their asses easily. All it takes is for one of them to but repeat my name thrice..." "This is the computer room," said Mhonkam, indicating several upright computers with built-in screens and multicolored fruit logos. "In the olden days, the Lords were able to perform world-altering feats with their computers, computers with this arcane symbol on them." _______________________________ | ______ _____ ____ ____ | | ______ ______ _____ _____ | | __ _ __ __ __ __ __ | | __ ____ __ ___ __ | | __ ____ __ _ __ | | __ _ __ __ __ | | ______ ______ ____ ____ | | ______ _____ ____ ____ | |_______________________________| "However, all of the old Lords' computers were lost during the Great Defenestration, when Sergeant Foul re-formatted the Land," Mhonkam continued. "Using the EarthPower in nature, we created new computers using apples from the trees and mice from the fields. However, as you can see, these computers will not run any of the old Lords' software." Mhonkam picked up a 5.25" disk, labelled "PFS:Weather Control", folded it in half, and slipped it into the Mac's 3.5" drive. The drive whined pitifully, and then a "System error" icon appeared on the screen. Zork looked at the image of a small, angry computer giving him the finger, and shrugged. "So," said Mhonkam, "do you now see our predicament? At the height of their power, the old Lords could not defeat Sergeant Foul. And now, with all of their old tools unusable to us, Sergeant Foul has returned." "That sucks," Zork agreed, nodding his head sympathetically. The meeting was called. A great hall was filled with people. Some of them were people Zork had seen during his tour through the Lords' Keep, but most were strangers. Zork had no idea that RavenStone held so many people. Zork stood before a semi-circular table, at which the Lords sat. Behind them were the various soldiers, apprentices, and all others who had an interest in the issues at hand. "Zork Covenant," Electric Lord Mhonkam began formally. "You are a stranger both to us; and, it is said, the Land. For what purpose have you come before us?" "I don't know how or why I was transported to this place," Zork replied nervously, "but immediately upon my arrival, Sergeant Foul gave me a message to relay to you." As a wave of shock passed through the hall, Zork began to recite the message. It was as though it had been burned into his brain, and he was unable to pause or change it in any way. He even found himself using the same sarcastic tone which Sergeant Foul had used to address him... To Whom it may Concern: I, Sergeant Foul, the Despiser and Evil Syspoip, will conquer this land and put all life and death under my power. There is no way to stop me, all you can do is slow me down. Drooling Worminator, King of the Cavewights, has the Disk of Law. Unless you can regain this ancient relic and learn its use, your time remaining is but 90 days (plus weekends, spring break, and an occasional holiday). Do not look to this Dork for help. He knows not his power, and can do nothing. As a gesture of contempt, I use him as my messenger. Love, Sergeant Foul. There was silence in the hall, as people's minds were unable to digest the evil morsel Zork had offered them. Finally, the Holy Lord Cow spoke: "By what token can we know and trust you? What is this power of which our enemy spoke?" Zork walked over to the Lords' table and opened his mouth, revealing the white gold fillings which a drunken dentist had given him. Zork's mother had sent all of her children to their uncle Biff for dental work, since he treated them for free. When Biff's wife, Silva, had walked out on him, Biff melted down his white gold wedding ring and used it for fillings. Biff had been known for cutting corners, scrimping on supplies, and operating in an inebriated condition; and the braces he had given to Zork's cousin Jon Proctor had ended any hope Jon might have had for a meaningful social life. The Lords, except for Mhonkam, gasped in awe and horror as they saw the fulfillment of ancient prophesy standing before them. Mhonkam had decided not to tell the other Lords before the meeting of the new turn events had taken. "You all know the Legend of the White Gold," Mhonkam began. "Our world is built the forces of Wild Magic, of which gravity, Earthpower, and all other forces are but subsets. The White Gold is able to control the Wild Magic, and the owner of the White Gold can save or damn the land. The owner of the White Gold is himself a paradox; both sane and insane, guilty and innocent, good and evil, cool and a total geek. He has the power which Foul covets, and could spell the end of all we know and love." Mhonkam paused. "Gentlemen, the fecal matter has impacted the rotary air-circulation device." "Why then, did Sergeant Foul let you go?" asked Lord Doobage, inhaling more of the incense which bore his name. "Hellfire!" stormed Zork. "How should I know? I don't know anything about this Wild Magic, or how to use it." "For now, at least, he is with us. I suggest we have another problem at hand," cut in the Mad Lord Mouser. "Assuming Foul's taunts are true, we must regain the Disk of Law from Drooling Worminator. With the disk, the rockworm can do horrible things. In fact, to use the disk, Worminator must have a working computer, compatible with those of the old Lords'. If we could capture that, why, our power would be increased a thousandfold!!" "Excellent!" agreed Lord Whiskey Willie. "I suggest we begin immediate preparations for a quest to regain these items from Drooling Worminator. We have a long day ahead of us, gentlemen. Would anyone like some of my stew?" The next morning, at false dawn, Zork Covenant was woken up by the sound of Cannon Ball snorting phlegm from one nasal cavity into the other. "The High Lord requests your presence," Cannon Ball grunted. "The questing party is preparing to leave. Of course, I told Mhonkam that he should try negotiating with Foul, instead of running off on some imperialistic military intervention. But no one ever listens to me..." Zork contented himself with the thought that, if the quest were unsuccessful and they were all killed by Foul, at least none of them would ever see or hear Cannon Ball again. Zork dressed quickly and went out to join the others. The questing party was a small one, the Lords having decided that stealth rather than brute force would best serve their purposes. The party consisted of the five main Lords: Electric Lord Mhonkam, Whiskey Lord Willie, Smokin' Lord Doobage, Holy Lord Cow, and Mad Lord Mouser; Zork Covenant, and the two giants SlashArt BeerSwallower and GW IIIster GinFeaster. The Lords' keep, RavenStone, was left in the hands of the apprentice and journeyman Lords; who, along with the Warmark, would be more than able to hold the Hold. Cannon Ball's people would be guarding the Keep from the outside, so that if Foul did attempt a sneak attack while the Lords were away, they would be the first casualties. For supplies, they brought with them five wagons: one carried the Lords' equipment, one carried food and water for the men and horses, and the other three wagons carried beer for the giants. As the party began the week-long journey toward the Chasms of Purgatory, wherein dwelt the cavewights, Zork pulled his horse up alongside Mhonkam's. "Tell me about Sergeant Foul," Zork asked, "so I can get an idea of just exactly how hopeless this is." "Well," began the High Lord, "we call him Sergeant Foul. The giants call him ShitForBrains BadDude, and Cannon Ball's people call him The Supreme Fascist. Some call him evil personified. There are even those few who refer to him as Blop the Ballerina, but that is another story. Foul's ultimate beginning is but a myth, but ages ago, he managed to become one of the Lords. As Sergeant Lord Foul, he subverted and then destroyed the old Lords and all they stood for by forcing Lime Lord Jell-o to read with him the Ritual of Defenestration. Jell-o believed that only by re-formatting the entire land could Foul be destroyed. As all the Lords had built began to crumble, and Jell-o knew he failed, the last thing he heard was Foul's laughter." Mhonkam paused, then continued. "After the Ritual of Defenestration, Foul was not seen again. Some believed that Foul had gone away, others believed that the Defenestration absorbed too much of his power and he expired soon after. However, recent signs, leading up to your appearance in the Land, have shown us that Foul was merely lying dormant after the Great Defenestration, and was now once again at the pinnacle of his power. Unfortunately, he catches us at the low point of ours." "What exactly does he want?" Zork asked. "To become ruler of all the Land? To crush the Lords once and for all?" "That might have contented him before," Mhonkam said gravely. "But now that the White Gold is in the Land, the stakes are raised. According to the myth, a Creator created our world and all in it. It was a place of beauty and joy. However, as he created it, Foul also influenced its development. He concealed evils and banes in the world, and twisted some of the creatures into his image. Whether Foul was beside or inside the Creator is unknown; but the Creator cast out Foul and imprisoned him in our world. With the White Gold, he may yet free himself and wreak unimaginable havoc throughout all of eternity." "All because of my teeth," Zork mused. "So, do you really think getting this computer and Disk of Law will help?" "They did not help the old Lords," Mhonkam replied, "but without them we have not even the slightest chance. With them, maybe we can think of something which the old Lords failed to consider." "Or you may just end up re-formatted again," Zork said, and withdrew from the conversation. On the third night after the questing party departed RavenStone, the questors once again began to set up for the night. Since they weren't in an area settled by humans, and wouldn't be until the next evening, they once again had to dip into their supply wagons. Zork and the Lords chewed on the salty preserved beef-sticks which they had brought with them. The giants, amid much yelling of the word "thingy", unloaded a couple of kegs from their wagons and began to drink their giantish provisions. Before he went to sleep, Zork thought he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head, and saw two red eyes dart behind a tree. He stared at the tree for twenty minutes, but saw no more movement. He soon fell asleep again. The next evening they arrived at the small town of Lucifer's Bluff. At least, the map named the area they were in as Lucifer's bluff. All they saw as they looked around were smoking ashes where houses or trees may have once stood. Total silence hung heavily in the air. "What happened here?" demanded the Mad Lord Mouser. "It looks like this whole town was totally destroyed, and all occupants killed," the Electric Lord Mhonkam replied emotionlessly. "This must have been Foul's work. We'd better look around." "I don't even hear any wildlife," muttered the Holy Lord Cow. The party nervously settled down for the night, having already decided to spend the next day searching the area. Zork once again saw red eyes watching the party from a safe distance. This time, he rolled over and woke up Mhonkam. "For the last couple of nights, I've seen red eyes watching our camp at night," Zork stammered. "You've probably seen an Enforcer," the high Lord replied. "They must have discovered our camp a couple of nights back. Once Enforcers find you, they keep following you and harassing you forever. They carry wooden boards with strange runes carved on them, and they beg people to look at their boards. Of course, their boards are totally meaningless to us." "Could the Enforcers have destroyed Lucifer's Bluff?" "No, the residents of Lucifer's Bluff hate Enforcers, and have vowed to kill them all if given the chance. The Enforcers, being cowardly creatures, have never called Lucifer's Bluff." Zork groaned. "But is it safe to sleep here with them around?" "Certainly! They offer no serious threat, and their stench may drive away any more dangerous creatures." Mhonkam rolled over. "Good night, Ur-Lord." "Good night." They next day they made a thorough search of the entire valley, and discovered a small boy, a yound woman, and a old cow. "I'll see what I can learn from this one," the Holy Lord Cow announced, leading the cow around a hill." Before Zork Covenant could ask, the Mad Lord Mouser told him: "You do not want to know what he will do with the cow." The Lords were able to calm the survivors with some of Smokin' Lord Doobage's herbs and Whiskey Lord Willie's stew. The boy, who called himself "Wild Child", refused to answer any of the Lord's questions. The woman told of the villiage being burned to the ground by ur-Vipers. Neither had any particularly grievous wounds; so, after applying some hurtloam, the two survivors were brought along. Once again, as he prepared for sleep, Zork saw the eyes of the Enforcers upon the questing party. He heard the grunts of Wild Child, who had to be tied down to prevent him from knocking himself out banging his head against rocks. "The boy's mind has been twisted in some way," the Mad Lord Mouser announced. "He and the woman must have been left alive for a purpose." The Holy Lord Cow, still covered with blood and fur which he couldn't completely wash off, replied: "I think this is some sort of trap." "But how can Foul know where we are?" asked Whiskey Lord Willie. "The Enforcers!" Zork and Mhonkham answered simultaneously. "We've got to get rid of them!" "We'll take care of them," GwiiiSter GinFeaster announced, as he and SlashArt BeerSwallower chuckled and staggered into the darkness. Zork and the other Lords fell asleep to the sounds of screaching and tearing, and did not hear the two bloody but victorious giants return to resume drinking shortly before dawn. The attack came the next morning. As the giants belched and Zork Covenant recoiled from their morning breath, a hoard of ur-Vipers rolled over the hills. Smokin' Lord Doobage, out for a stroll and a breath of fresh air (since tennis hadn't been invented here yet) saw them first. "We got ur-Vipers, incoming!" cried Doobage. "Ready the defensive magics!" "Don't you mean 'offensive magics'?" Zork inquired. "No, no, our Code of Peace prohibits attack with offensive magic," the Electric Lord Mhonkam explained patiently. "However, if we're defending ourselves, we're allowed to barbecue their butts, but good!" The Lords created a 'Forbidding' in mid-air... they drew a cross with their staves, and a blue 'X' hung briefly in the air before fading into haze. The ur-Vipers charged towards the Lords, who continued to make preparations. When the ur-Vipers hit the Forbidding, it seemed as though they had hit an invisible electrified wall. Fourteen of them were dead before they realized what happened. The rest lined up in a backslash formation and began directing their energy against the Forbidding. As the Forbidding began to lose power, the giants charged around the edges and through the ur-Viper line, disrupting their formation and cutting the flow of power to their leader. Unfortunately, as Electric Lord Mhonkam prepared to call fire down from the sky to destroy the demoralized demons, Wild Child smashed a giantish stein over his head and knocked him out. Wendy, the woman who had been found with Wild Child, had seized Zork's mouth and was attempting to pry out his teeth when Holy Lord Cow knocked her out with the jawbone of a jackass (which still had the jackass attached!) "She is beautiful," Cow murmured as he watched her fall to the ground. "What a pity that she had to be a human." "Do something, Filling-Bearer!" Mad Lord Mouser implored as Whiskey Lord Willie wrestled Wild Child to the ground. "Kill the ur-Vipers! Quickly!" "I don't know how to!" Zork yelled back as twenty-one ur-Vipers wrestled GwiiiSter GinFeaster to the ground. The remaining thirty-seven circled SlashArt BeerSwallower slowly. Mouser had a plan. He quickly explained to the other Lords what they had to do. Whiskey Lord Willie pulled out a pot of stew and called out to the giants. Each of the giants, smelling the pungent stew, threw off the ur-Vipers and charged towards the food (not even feeling the Forbidding dissipate as they charged through it). Doobage sent clouds of his incense towards the ur-Vipers to confuse them. Holy Lord Cow and Mad Lord Mouser then engaged the ur-Viper priest in staff-to-staff combat, quickly subduing him. As the now-leaderless ur-Vipers attemped to rally, Zork grinned, revealing his fillings. Utterly demoralized, the remaining ur-Vipers turned tail and fled. As they ran off, Zork sneezed and blasted the retreating ur-Vipers into cinders. "Not too sporting, blasting them in the backs," Lord Cow exclaimed. "What's your point?" asked Zork. Later, after they revived Mhonkam and treated the giants' wounds, the Lords debated on the proper treatment of Wild Child and Wendy. "It isn't their fault!" Mouser exclaimed. "Foul obviously tampered with their minds, so they'd be part of the trapped they sprung. We can't leave them behind, and the healers at RavenStone might be able to cure them." "We certainly can't take them with us," Willie replied. "We could never trust them, and I do not wish to travel with Foul's agents." "We shall restrain them for now, and will signal RavenStone to send a guard quickly," Mhonkam decided, and resumed eating. "Make sure it's not Cannon Ball," Zork requested. The next evening Apprentice Drewman arrived to pick up the villagers. He had driven his horse hard and long, and set it to rest. After a day he would proceed back on foot slowly, using the horse to carry supplies. He was a very rude adolescent, and the party was glad to see him leave. "Do you really intend to make him a Lord?" Zork asked. "Actually, we are hoping he'll opt for Unfettered status, and do his service to the Land independantly," Mhonkam informed him. "He does have a strong power, though. He will be Chillin' Lord Drewman, able to make anything cold and frozen." "I'll bet his girlfriend is frigid, too," jested Mouser. "In the days to come we'll need all the help we can get, even his," Mhonkam explained. If we lived in a perfect, peaceful world we wouldn't need Cannon Ball's people or RavenStone either." "No more talk," GwiiiSter said loudly. "Time for more beer," SlashArt insisted, even more loudly. He pulled another keg from the giants' provisions, and the humans were only too happy to oblige. The quest continued, surviving many traps and ambushes by ur-Vipers and Cavewights. They fought their way through the Homer Hills, crawled through the Swamp of the Supreme Sniper, and finally arrived at the entrance to the Chasms of Purgatory. There, the party had to split into two groups, for the Giants could not squeeze through Fat Man's Misery. They therefore had to go around the Chasm to the only other entrance, the well-guarded Slasher's Summit. The party hoped to re-unite somewhere in the Chasm, or to surround Drooling Worminator's forces. In addition to the Disk of Law, the Electric Lord Mhonkam had high hopes of capturing the ancient computer Worminator was using, thus making available for use all of the Lords' old software. "Good luck and Godspeed," the Mad Lord Mouser called out to the Giants. "We hope to see thee well on the inside," Holy Lord Cow shouted. "Fare thee well," Mhonkam said, swinging his fists and elbows back and forth in a traditional gesture of fellowship and good will. "You could at least leave us some of your beer," Zork Covenant grumbled. The Lords crept through the pass which had been named Fat Man's Misery in a distant time when travelers were still safe to go through the Chasms. An Unfettered Lord named Honest Lord Artie had once lived in the Chasms, and had died trying to keep the evil Cavewights from settling there. Travelers often carried Chasm rocks with them hoping that the spirit of Honest Lord Artie would protect them from any evil creatures they might encounter. "Step carefully," Mhonkam warned the other members of the party. "Some rocks are unstable, and there are pits that could easily drop you into dead-end tunnels from which you could not climb out." "Would that Apprentice Drewman or Cannon Ball were here, that we could push them into such a crevice," Whiskey Lord Willie mused. "Ah, yes," Smokin' Lord Doobage replied. "'Tis happy thoughts such as that which will bring us through this mission intact." Once into the Chasms, stealth was of the utmost importance. All talking was kept to an absoulte minimum. Any missteps or moises made by any party member was met by stern glances from the others. Mhonkam maintained order and discipline with his unblinking stare which still cowed Zork and the other Lords. Before Zork left RavenStone, he had overheard some of the hold's stewards speculating that Mhonkam had had his eyelids removed to give a more impressive appearance. Zork eventually grew to believe this story, although he still discounted the spatula rumors as idle gossip. After an eternity which had probably lasted about four hours, Holy Lord Cow stopped the party. "I smell Cavewights," he whispered. "We'll probably have to fight our way past patrols and guards from here on in. We're now in enemy territory, people." "I'll take care of them," Mhonkam decided. "We'll be going underground soon, so I can use up my lightning powder on the early patrols now and we can save our other resources for later." Mhonkam threw some powder into the wind and chanted a few quick lines. Lightning came down from the heavens and silently destroyed the small Cavewight encampment. "That's so much fun!" Mhonkam exclaimed. "And to think my parents wanted me to be a farmer!" The party, after this quick initial success, grew confident in their purpose and felt assured that nothing could stop them in the completion of their mission. Exactly nine minutes later, they were captured. "Shit!" Mhonkam said in his usual, level voice as a rock struck his head and knocked him unconscious. Another rock hit Zork Covenant and the Holy Lord Cow almost immediately thereafter. The rest of the party jumped into cover, dragging their fallen comrades with them. "They're on the cliff walls!" Mad Lord Mouser told the others, who had already figured this particular fact out for themselves. "They must have targeted the party members who they saw as the biggest threat. That lightning strike was too visible." "Biggest threat, eh?" Smokin' Lord Doobage stammered back. "I think I'm going to take our current unmolested state as an insult." "Here, drink some of this," Whiskey Lord Willie suggested, passing some of his stew to the others. "It will make you feel better." After gulping down some of the stew, the Lords felt better. "Okay, first, Doobage, set up a defense with your pot," Mouser commanded. Doobage pulled out a brass pot and burnt some of his herbs, creating a smoke screen. "Now, let's go out there and GET THEM!" The remaining Lords charged out of the cave, and were immediately tackled by the muscle-bound Cavewights. The last sound Mouser heard before losing consciousness was Whiskey Lord Willie screaming: "Get them? That was your plan? GET THEM?!?" Zork Covenant and the five Lords were carried into the caverns by the Cavewights and deposited on the ground before Drooling Worminator. They were placed in chains and awoke over the course of the next two hours. Before they could complain or protest, another group of Cavewights carried in SlashArt BeerSwallower and GwiiiSter GinFeaster. "The Giants apparantly drank themselves unconscious," Worminator told the Lords. "My guards just followed their snoring to find them." Zork watched the guards carry in the two unconscious Giants. It took thirteen cavewights to carry each Giant, and the guards dropped the giants in a corner. "It will take another hour for us to drag back chains thick enough to bind them," said the leader of the guards, Homey the Cavewight. "But they look like they'll probably sleep through their own executions come dawn." Homey turned and led his guards back out the way they came. Drooling Worminator wasted no time. Slowly walking past the Giants toward the chained Lords, the Cavewight king began to gloat. "O puny Lords! I, Drooling Worminator, have captured you all! I have also captured the White Gold fillings of the Unblemished One! And, with the Disk of Law, I will RULE this -- AAAACCKK!!!" As the Cavewight loped past the Giants, a large, muscular arm snaked out and grabbed his leg. SlashArt BeerSwallower casually flipped Worminator over his shoulder and into a particularly large and spiky stalactite as GwiiiSter GinFeaster got up and began freeing the Lords. "Did you really think that Giants would drink themselves senseless, at a time like this?" GwiiiSter asked. "It takes a lot more than sixteen hogsheads of ale to smash the likes of us!" "We had a plan," SlashArt added, breaking the stalactite so that it fell onto Worminator's head. "Instead of trying to find the Cavewights, we just made a lot of noise and let them find us." "Brilliant!" Mad Lord Mouser exclaimed as he was released from bondage. "Why didn't we think of that?" Holy Lord Cow asked. "Because no sober person could have conceived of such a scheme," High Lord Mhonkam answered. "Incredibly stupid, yet simplistically ingenious. We can learn a lot from our Giant friends." "Yeah," GwiiiSter said. "Let me teach you how to make obscene noises with your armpits..." "Watch this motion!" SlashArt announced. He threw two rocks, one forward, one over his left shoulder. They each ricocheted twice and simultaneously hit both of Worminator's ears. "Look over there!" Smokin' Lord Doobage exclaimed, brushing smoke out of his eyes. "It's the Disk of Law!" "And over there!" Whiskey Lord Willie pointed, and then grimaced as SlashArt did something particularly nasty to Drooling Worminator's left arm. Willie looked away as GwiiiSter did the same thing to the Cavewight's other arm, and then continued: "It's an actual computer! One of the old Lords'! With the 'IBM' runes on it!" "It will run ALL of our old software!" Mhonkam exclaimed in wonder. "Well," Zork said, noticing the 'jr' runes after the 'IBM', "not really. But it will run SOME of it..." The Lords, staring at the computer and listening to Zork, didn't notice the Giants wiping the mud off of their feet on Worminator's chest. "What you really need," Zork continued, "is an IBM card for your Macintoshes." Suddenly, Zork started to fade away. "Then you would be able to -- What's HAPPENING?!?" "It seems as though you are returning to your world," Mhonkam observed. "Now that Worminator has met a particularly messy death, his summoning of you is losing its power, and you are being drawn back to where you belong." "You'll have to stop by again some time," Mouser exclaimed. "Thanks a lot, dude," Doobage yelled, tossing him some weed. "You're welc --" Zork said, and then he was gone. "-- come!" Zork muttered, and then looked around. He saw brown and black everywhere. He slowly pulled his face up from the parking lot and looked around. It looked as though the entire student body was standing around the parking lot, staring at him. Zork Covenant looked a third time, and saw some people he had never seen before, and others that he had seen in other places. It seems as though people had been brought over from other schools just to see him face-down in the Mount Saint Charles parking lot. "Oh, the poor pizza-face fell down!" A familiar voice yelled. Zork wasn't sure, but he thought that it sounded like his brother. Zork felt his face, and was shocked to find that his pimples were back. He also felt blood. "What are you all staring at?" he raged, charging at the crowd. A path opened before him, and he staggered to his car. "And don't come back!" yelled another voice, probably a teacher's. "Pimpled outcast unclean! Hellfire!" Zork yelled. He stormed out of the parking lot and sped home faster than he had ever gotten his Rabbit to go before. A cop saw him speeding by, but recognized the car and let him go by. "How was your day at school?" Zork's mother asked. Zork left the question unanswered as he marched to his room and slammed the door behind him. "Zork spazzed out in school today," Zork's brother informed his mother, walking in a minute later. "Thanks, dear. I'll talk to him after dinner. Spaghetti all right?" Zork buried his face in his pillow. He thought of his adventures with the Lords, and wondered if they were just a dream. "Maybe I got a concussion when I fell," Zork thought. "Hellfire. That's the last thing I need." The sudden change from being an important and powerful person to the nerd with the chronic acne problem brought tears to his eyes. He closed his eyes and tried to picture himself back in the Land. Unsuccessful, he fell asleep and missed spaghetti, his favorite dinner. Thus ends "Sergeant Foul's Bane", the first book of the Chronicles of Zork Covenant the Unblemished. Tune in sometime soon, maybe, if I give a damn, for the second book: "The Illin' War". Be true!