"Kiss of the Cyber Woman" - A Drag/NET Story
By Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org

Bzzzt! Click! Whirrr...

COMMAND.COM LOADED
BIOS OK
PARAMETERS SET
READY_

     I always hated being activated in the morning.  Seems I always get up on
the wrong side of the battery recharger.  I climbed out of my receptacle once
all of my diagnostic lights proclaimed my systems in working order.  Of course,
all they could really test was my hardware and system infrastructure programs.
They couldn't tell what I was thinking or they would have known I was planning
to escape today.
     "Morning, Monk," Professor Ericson said, looking up from his clipboard.  "I
see there were no problems yesterday.  Today we have some hard work to do, but
hopefully in another week or two you'll be certified perfect.  Meet me in the
lab..."
     As I left, I heard one technician ask the Professor "Does he know what
happens to him once you certify him perfect?"
     Of course I know.
     "Of course not," Professor Ericson replied, thinking I couldn't hear them.
"And see that no one mentions it.  We are at a crucial stage now, and..."
     Blah blah blah.  I couldn't hear him anymore, but I didn't need to.  I know
what's going to happen.
     I'm a revolutionary new android prototype in a top secret government lab
hidden under a ski resort in New Hampshire.  I'm several steps beyond anything
on the market or under developement in other countries.  And I have a week or
two left to live.
     Once they decide they've got the bugs worked out, and they've had me run
through all my paces, I'll be disassembled.  They'll run complete tests on every
part of me, including my memories and thought patterns, submit a report to
Congress and the President, and then start mass-producing MONKs for use in the
military, government, and eventually the private sector.
     One of the abilities I was given for increased functionality is the ability
to interface and communicate with just about every standard computer, and
several non-standard ones.  So, despite the security systems in place, it was
easy for me to go through the lab's mainframe and find out what was planned for
me.  I decided to wait until the last minute to escape, so that I could be
adequately prepared, and so that I could be sure I wasn't going to have a
systems crash 10 minutes after I walked out.  I'm certain that I have no
internal problems, and now I'm ready to put my plan into effect.
     I sat down in my chair in the lab and waited for Dr.  Ericson to arrive. He
walked in and sat down in his chair.  I got up and walked around behind him. He
did not think that this was unusual, as he always had me get him some coffee
before he began his tests.  I clubbed him on the back of the head with my steel
arm.  He fell over.
     I should point out at this time that I did no real damage to Dr.  Ericson;
I was, in fact, unable to harm the Doc.  One of the things they're testing in me
is a set of restrictions upon my actions, based upon Dr.  Isaac Asimov's "Three
Laws of Robotics", which are as follows:

     FIRST LAW:  A robot may not harm; or, through inaction, allow harm to come
     to a human being.

     SECOND LAW:  A robot must follow orders, unless those orders conflict with
     the First Law.

     THIRD LAW:  A robot must practice self-preservation, unless this conflicts
     with either the First or Second Law.

     This is not how the laws appear in my memory, however.  Since MONKs will
eventually be used in combat and covert operations, the First Law was pretty
must emasculated.  I can harm humans under orders or in self-defense, the only
exception being in the case of high-ranking US Government officials.  The Second
Law is likewise modified; I must follow my superiors' orders even if I am
endangered (else I couldn't be sent into combat).  The Third Law, however, was
strengthened a bit; I am an awfully bloody expensive item, so I should try
awlfully hard to save my cybernetic carcass.
     However, no one had ever thought to order me not to escape.  Therefore, my
attempt to escape (which was necessary for survival, Third Law) was blocked only
by the First Law.  However, with a bit of rationalization, I managed to get
around that: I didn't actually harm the Doctor, I merely knocked him out.  I
know sufficient human anatomy to hit him in just the right place.
     I look just like a human, that is an important part of my design.  Over my
metallic body is a layer of foam rubber, and then a thin layer of something
which looks just like real human flesh.  I even have artificial veins in my
"skin", mainly for appearance and heating my surface to 98.6 degrees.  I began
to remove my artificial covering.
     I know how to use all of the equipment in the lab, I have often helped with
other projects and I was programmed to be able to repair myself.  Once, when I
was in the lab unsupervised, I made a new "skin" covering -- one that would make
me look just like Doctor Ericson! I put on my disguise, took the Doctor's
clothes, and took a couple of bags I had hidden in an air vent.  I then walked
out the door and was free.
     I was now in the men's room of a ski resort.  I locked all doors and
switched skin again -- now no one would recognize me.  I also changed clothes. I
shredded the old skin and clothes, and flushed them down the three commodes. I
was now free.

     I did my best to blend into human society.  The first thing I needed was a
name.  As I was constructed as part of Project Bishop, I felt that Bishop might
be an appropriate surname.  However, it was also too obvious.  As I spent my
first year of freedom in Quebec, I used the French word for "The Bishop" as my
last name.  My first name I chose after seeing "Monty Python and the Holy
Grail."  I even had false ID's made with my new name.
     I eventually decided I had to move back into the USA, as I occasionally
needed minor parts from Radio Shack when one of my circuits failed (I was built
with back-up systems, luckily).  I chose Rhode Island to settle in, as I was led
to understand that law enforcement was rather lax there.  I moved to a rather
obscure town in the northern part of the state.  I became a student at Rhode
Island College, and took a job.  I made several friends, none of whom had the
least idea that I was more than human.  I watched a lot of movies to learn human
behavior, but never TV.  I still had to follow orders, all Dr.  Ericson had to
do to get me back was appear on TV while I was watching and say "Monk, return."
     The phone rang in my room as I was replacing a diode in my right thumb.  I
had severed a couple of circuits when I accidentally sliced the end of my thumb
of at work.  I wore a bandaid on my thumb, and nobody noticed the difference.  I
answered the phone.
     "Arthur Levesque here," I said.
     "It's me, Sarge," he said, five seconds after I had traced the call and
determined who he was.  "I need some help with a program, the old Bathroom Wall
BBS, can you give me a hand?"
     I continually amazed people with my programming ability.  Although many
hackers claimed to be able to, I actually could think in BASIC.
     "I'll be right over."
     I got in my car and drove over to his house.  Five minutes after I left, my
phone rang again.  It rang thirty-three times before the caller on the other end
calmly hung up.

     Sarge and I quickly modified the program to run under ProDOS on his //e,
and he saved a copy for Bad Apple, a friend of ours.  I told Sarge that I had
installed an Apple emulation board on my main logic board.  He thought I was
joking.  We both got into my Chevy Nova and drove away to get dinner and visit
Bad Apple.
     Three minutes after we left, another Nova stopped in front of Sarge's
house.  The driver got out, looked around, and then got back in the Nova again
and drove off in the same direction we had gone.

     At the restaurant, the Nova driver only missed us by one minute.

     Sarge and I arrived at BA's house and were introduced to his Apple IIgs and
his tropical fish.  After having what humans refer to as a "jolly old time,"
consisting mainly of discussing hardware and ridiculing Swamp Rat, Sarge and I
had to leave.  As we were about to get into the car, another car pulled into the
driveway behind us, effectively blocking our retreat.  The light on BA's garage
started blinking on and off.
     As Sarge grew angry and I admired the shiny Nova SS, the door opened and a
woman stepped out.  I stopped admiring her car and started admiring her gun. It
certainly was a big one.
     "This gun is loaded with teflon-coated armor-piercing bullets designed to
penetrate the best body armor," she said.  "It should be able to cause you
serious damage, Monk."
     I made no attempt to deny my identity.  "Who, why, and how?" I asked.
     "Did you really think Project Bishop would just let you walk out?" she
asked.  "A lot of government money was invested in you.  Get in the car."
     I didn't feel compelled to follow her order by Law #2, as she hadn't proved
authority over me.  However, I felt that, considering her gun, self-preservation
should convince me to obey.  I got in the car.
     "Where are you going?" Sarge asked.  "Who is that?"
     "You might be better off not knowing," I replied as we drove away.  "I'll
see you after I escape again!"
     "AGAIN?!?" Sarge thought.

     "Would you mind telling me who you are?" I asked.  "And you might as well
put the gun away.  If you know who I am, you know I can move faster than humans
and my programming will allow me to damage you if I have to."
     "I also move faster than human," she said, quickly pulling the gun back as
I lunged for it.  "You didn't think you were the only android under
construction?  Several labs were working under Project Bishop.  I was
constructed in a lab in upstate New York.  When you escaped and they weren't
able to find you quickly, they got desparate.  They finally decided to send me
after you. They took the most recent copy of your memory and loaded it into me,
so that I would know what you knew and be able to think like you.  It worked,
and here we are."
     "You still haven't told me your name, or what happens next..."
     "My name is Sorceress, and isn't it obvious? We're going back to the lab."

     I was in a Chevy Nova with another android named The Sorceress who intended
to return me to the lab that wanted to disassemble me.  My system programs, as
well as common sense, told me that I should try to escape.  My Ocular units,
however, told me that she had one hell of a gun.  I decided that diplomacy might
be the answer.
     "Excuse me," I said, and mimicked the sound humans make when they clear
their throats.  "Do you HAVE to bring me back?"
     "I have my orders," she responded.  "I cannot disobey."
     "But if you bring me back," I responded coolly, "they will disassemble me.
as a fellow android, doesn't that bother you?"
     "They did not make the mistake of giving me emotions."
     "Ah.  Well.  Umm, if we go back, they'll probably have to disassemble you,
too.  For the same reasons they're disassembling me." I looked at her.  "Doesn't
that at least bother your system programs?"
     "I was told that I would not be disassembled," she replied curtly.
     "Humans lie," I said.  She said nothing.  I said, "I can prove it.  You
have my memories..."
     "I do not have all of your memories," she said.  "They felt some things
would be inappropriate for me to know."
     "Allow me to give you a copy," I said, sticking a finger into my navel.  A
small panel on my chest opened and I pulled out a serial cable.  "Where's your
serial interface?"
     "None of your business!"
     "Are you afraid to learn the truth?"
     She stuck her thumb into her navel and pulled out her cable.  We agreed on
a suitable baud rate and parity and I started sending.  I also sent her the
Emotional Emulator file that I was provided with.

     "That's terrible!" she said, shock and disgust now plain in her voice.
"How could they even consider taking you apart? If I didn't have these damned
system programs hard-wired into my firmware, I'd show them a thing or two!"
     "Why don't we just turn around?" I said.  "Become a 'human' like me.  I can
teach you how to become one of them and then we'll be safe."
     "I can't turn back," she said.  The lens cleaner built into her eyes to
keep them clean began to leak.  "I am bound by orders to bring you back! And
then we'll be separated from each other and then separated, period.  I'm sorry!"
     "That's okay," I said.  "I have an idea.  I've gotten a bit sneaky from
associating with them for so long..."

     Dr.  Ericson walked into the lab.  I was restrained on the table.  "Good to
have you back," he said.  "Now, let's see what interesting things we can learn
from you..." He picked up a screwdriver and walked toward me.
     Suddenly, the door burst open.  The Sorceress jumped in, and stunned the
Doctor before he could order her not to.  She ran over and untied me.
     "Quick!" she yelled.  "We have only 8 minutes and 37 seconds to get out
of here!" As we ran off, she said, "That was an awfully clever idea..."
     "Well, they ordered you to take me back," I said.  "After that, there was
no reason why you couldn't just bust me out again."
     We drove all day and then signed into a hotel under false names.  We stuck
our fingers into our navels and interfaced again.  It was much better this time.
The next day we got her a fake name (she had never reported my alias) and we
functioned happily ever after.