MARY POPP-N-FURTER Dialog by Lisa Baker, Liz Boyer, and Arthur Levesque Lyrics by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org (Original "Mary Poppins" songs by Richard and Robert Sherman) [Dad (Brad) is watching while the Kids (RIFF-RAFF, MAGENTA and COLUMBIA) read the note:] TRANNY WANTED (To the tune of "Nanny") MAGENTA: Wanted Transvestite for three adorable servants If you Know the doggy-style position Have a freaky disposition Big dildos, with warts Sex games, all sorts You must be sexier than Shiva An all-around ab-fab diva Make us come out and put on hose Red lips, brown nose Treat us like sluts and assholes And never steal or bogart our bowls If you will scold and dominate us We will always let you masturbate us ALL KIDS: Hurry Tranny Give us spanks From the servants, thanks BRAD: Freaky disposition, sex games... dildos... I think I have had just about enough of this. [rips up letter] I can't believe that JANET spends all her time walking the streets! I must find a suitable nanny at once and if I don't I will have to watch the children myself... And I have been forced to play Peek-A-Boo one too many times for my taste. Well let's start... [BRAD sends children to other side of stage and goes to great nanny applicants. MARY (Frank) forces her way in] BRAD: Well, do come in. MARY: You are the father of these domestics, are you not? BRAD: Yes, Yes I am. MARY: Good, now the qualifications... [retrieves letter] Item 1, a freaky disposition - I think they will find me extremely freaky. Item 2, sexier than Shiva - Obviously. Item 3, sex games all sorts - I am sure they will find my sex games extremely entertaining and educational. BRAD: Where did you get that? I thought I tore it up. MARY: [slams umbrella on floor] Now, the references here are very obscure. I shall require every Friday and Saturday night off. BRAD: [dumbfounded] Midnights? MARY: I think a trial period is in order [Stares at dumbfounded BRAD] I will give you one week... by then I'll know. BRAD: One week? Now see here! MARY: Spit spot, I will see the children now. [MARY goes to children; Confused BRAD exits] RIFF-RAFF: That's a funny sort of bag! MARY: Carpet-- [is interrupted by kids] COLUMBIA: You mean to carry carpet in. MAGENTA: No, she means made of carpet! MARY: No, "carpet licker". I bought it from a lesbian. COLUMBIA: Lesbian? MARY: Oh dear, you have so much to learn about sex, little one. [MARY hums "Feed the Birds" while pulling stuff out of the bag] RIFF-RAFF: But it was empty. I saw! MARY: Never judge anything by its appearance even carpet bags. [Pulls out extremely large dildo] MAGENTA: Is that your ... umm, thing? MARY: No, yours.... MAGENTA: Ewww, I don't want it. MARY: Every element of sex becomes quite like a game... TUBEFUL OF K-Y (To the tune of "Spoonful of Sugar") MARY: When you're with that special someone And you're getting ready for fun You grab her bra and - snap! - her chest is free But if she stays with you tonight And you find she is tight Do not worry, just take this tip from me For a tubeful of K-Y helps the dildo go in The dildo go in, dildo go in For a tubeful of K-Y helps the dildo go in In a most delightful way When lesbians retire to bed They love to have a little head But every now and then they'll try a twist But if your girlfriend is too tight And penetration causes fright Here is the gist for your strap-on or fist [Gives dildo to MAGENTA, who joins in to sing chorus] MARY AND MAGENTA: For a tubeful of K-Y helps the dildo go in The dildo go in, dildo go in For a tubeful of K-Y helps the dildo go in In a most delightful way [MAGENTA plays with dildo with COLUMBIA and RIFF-RAFF] MARY: Some cunnilingus with your girlfriend Makes the juices start to flow We're never tired of licking to and fro But when you want a little dick Just remember this little trick And then (and then) you'll find (you'll find) It's fun to bump and grind MARY AND KIDS: For a tubeful of K-Y helps the dildo go in The dildo go in, dildo go in For a tubeful of K-Y helps the dildo go in In a most delightful way [Enter BRAD, angry at hearing the song and seeing the dildo dance] BRAD: What's going on here? K-Y? Dildos? There's no sex in this house! [Kids hide behind MARY] MARY: Just because you don't get any sex doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer, baby... BRAD: Just what exactly are you implying? Do you want them to be like their mother? Sleeping with everyone but me? Err, I mean... [MARY whistles, and Mom (JANET) enters] JANET: But Brad... You never asked... BRAD: You mean? JANET: I got tired of waiting... But all of those dozens of men... and women... I always closed my eyes and pretended they were you! BRAD: Janet? JANET: [throws her arms around BRAD] It's alright Brad... Everything's going to be all right... HORNY HOLIDAY (To the tune of "Jolly Holiday") BRAD: It's a horny holiday with Janet Janet spreads her legs so wide Though you think she's cold and hard as granite She is soft and warm inside Oh, erections are raising all around her The customers are lined up in a queue When Janet strokes your gland You feel so grand Your part starts beating like a big brass band Oh, it's a horny holiday with Janet No wonder that it's Janet that we screw! [JANET starts to lead BRAD offstage] JANET: Oh, it's a horny holiday with you, Brad Gentlemen like you are few Though you're such an asshole you're not so bad Underneath your balls are blue! You'd never think of taking your advantage Probably because you don't know what to do A lady needn't fear when you are near Because we all realize that you are queer Oh, it's a horny holiday with you, Brad A horny, horny holiday with you! [Exit BRAD and JANET] MARY: Well, children, it's time for me to be off... [starts packing her bag] KIDS: [All protesting at once] No! You can't go! Don't leave us, Mary! [etc.] MARY: But children, I've already gotten you started! You don't need me anymore, you should know what to do! Now, spit spot, no tears! [heads offstage] JUMP IN BED (To the tune of "Step In Time") MARY: Sleep with your brother, jump in bed Sleep with your sister, jump in bed Give a little kiss and give a little head Sleep with your sister, jump in bed [Exit MARY] RIFF-RAFF: So what do we do now? COLUMBIA: I think I have an idea... [sings to MAGENTA] LET'S ALL BE LIKE DYKES (To the tune of "Let's Go Fly A Kite") COLUMBIA: Let's all be like dykes Gay sex is what I like! Let's all be like dykes It's never boring COLUMBIA AND MAGENTA: Let's go down to Times Square Where all the kids are queer Come, let's all be like dykes! [RIFF-RAFF joins them in the dance] RIFF-RAFF: Let's menage a trois Apres vous and avec moi! Let's menage a trois For triple scoring ALL KIDS: Down to San Francisco Bay Where all the kids are gay Come, let's menage a trois! [KIDS all exit, hand-in-hand, laughing] [END]