Command Staff: [ Captain Jellico | Commander Storvik | Qaren | Counsellor Lothar ]
Picard (no relation) is the ship's botanist (pictured with his symbiont
Kimberly). (His female appearance is the result of a bizarre accident while on
a secret mission; it can only be discussed by Starfleet Admirals who need a
RIGHT: Lieutenant Commander Heavens is in charge of keeping all of the computer
hardware and software working. Her knowledge is out-of-date; but so are the
Murgatroid's hardware and software (Really? UNIX was based on a Klingon
torture device?) She still doesn't understand why everyone laughs when she
says "Heavens to Murgatroid" to her commbadge...
LEFT: Lieutenant Ana Ng was
assigned to the Murgatroid straight out of the Academy -- because no other
punishment they gave her had any impact. She still refuses to do her reports or
show up for anything on time; so Storvik assigned her to share quarters with
CENTER: Lieutenant Train requested transfer to the Murgatroid (the only member
of the crew to have joined voluntarily) when she discovered that her academy
lover, Shaquifa Picard, was actually the famous Jean Luc Picard in
drag. Starfleet hushed up the incident, but an unauthorized account can be
found in Star Trek LXIX: The Crying Game. (Note that homosexuals are
allowed in Starfleet; they just somehow all end up assigned to the
Murgatroid. Odd, that.)
RIGHT: Lieutenant Ditzbrain is the ship's helmsman. She often gets the ship
lost, due to her tendency to use ancient crystals to navigate instead of 24th
century technology; but she usually gets the ship to its destination eventually
anyway because Ditzbrain, unlike Captain Jellico, is not afraid to stop for
LEFT: Ensign Robert
MacAllister was previously an ambassador's aide with the rank of full commander
until he inadvertantly caused the Federation-Cardassian War by trying to
entertain a diplomatic conference with some simple magic
tricks... Unfortunately, when he removed the Flokuvsee Gul's underwear through
his armor, and revealed that the Gul shops from a "Vina's Secret" catalog; the
Cardassians had no choice but to declare bloody war against the Federation to
save face. MacAllister was demoted to a red-shirted ensign, transferred to the
Murgatroid, and quickly forgotten.
RIGHT: Ensign Cameron GenX (pronounced "Jinx") Riker has the distinction of
being the oldest (32) ensign in Starfleet; as well as the only one (since Wesley
Crusher left the Enterprise) who still lives with his parents. He was admitted
to Starfleet Academy solely on the recommendation of his cousin, then LTC
William Riker (which is what actually cost Will Riker his captaincy; and very
few people since then have asked Will Riker for a recommendation -- for
anything). As Assistant Chief of Operations (there is no Chief of Ops, but
Jellico refuses to give the job to Cameron), his job is to make sure all ship's
operations are running smoothly (provided no emergencies occur before noon) and
organize the various ship's raves and keggers.
LEFT: Lieutenants Exed
CENTER: Lieutenant Daremo, Chief of Insecurity, grew up on a recently-discovered
Earth colony founded by refugees fleeing Khan's Eugenic Wars. Unlike his more
informed mates on the Murgatroid, his vision of the universe seems to be almost
totally formed by recordings of late 20th century television shows that were
brought along on the sleeper ship. He refers to his cabin as
his dojo. His duties include weapons research and development (though he
is no longer allowed to test any of his weapons, and certainly not on
board the ship!), assisting Lt. Picard in keeping the rest of the crew from
smoking the plants that provide the ship's oxygen, and "warding evil shaolin
spirits away from the ship". (No one knows what this means, but as no one
has ever seen one, we guess he's doing his job.) Do not ask him to do
his impression of the legendary Admiral James Tiberius Kirk singing that ancient
Terran ditty, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."
RIGHT: We don't know why Lieutenant Nitsirk is so scary. She just is. (Note
the symbiont on her chest that resembles a tattoo, but communicates by changing
shapes and colors.)
LEFT: Lieutenant Heavens makes a rare trip to Engineering (most of the
Engineering staff hasn't seen a female of any species in years).
RIGHT: Lieutenants Ng and Train, in the rare picture (only rare in that they
weren't often photographed) that keeps them from being re-admitted to the
LEFT: Lieutenant Commander Quad Be'Otch (left) is head of the Murgatroid's
whoop-ass security detail.
CENTER: Quad and Cabbage Patch, also known as the New Age Bitches.
RIGHT: Ensign Kenny, first redshirt to beam down on most away missions.
LEFT: Another member of the security detail. Everyone is afraid to ask him
what his name is...
RIGHT: Commander Storvik demonstrates to Quad to preferred method of frisking
suspects (as decreed by Captain Jellico).
Ship's botanist Alabama Picard (no relation) at work...
The Murgatroid has never bothered upgrading to the latest holographic equipment
-- which means that they don't have the safety locks which all other Starfleet
ships have (for all the good it does them); but they don't have the morality
locks that they rest of Starfleet has either... At left are Qaren and Storvik
utilizing old-style holographic "bee" projectors, and at right are two of the
Murgatroid's most popular holo-programs, Robin (a sexual fantasy program) and
Mister Stay-Puft. Only Captain Jellico runs them both simultaneously. No
one knows why, or cares to know.
LEFT: Some of the crew, ready for shore leave!
RIGHT: Ng after a date with a Bolian (don't ask, don't tell -- PLEASE don't
Starfleet regs specifically forbid personnel from impersonating religious
figures, but sometimes Jellico just can't resist.
LEFT: Cameron Riker departs for shore leave... Unfortunately, he found his way
CENTER: What he does on shore leave is anyone's guess...
RIGHT: Lieutenant Daremo is exposed to a barrage of toxic Troma particles on the
planet Nuke-Em High and temporarily becomes Lieutenant Kabuki-Man, UFP!