Command Staff: [ Captain Jellico | Commander Storvik | Qaren | Counsellor Lothar ]

  Murgatroid Crew  

 
LEFT: Lieutenant Commander Alabama Picard (no relation) is the ship's botanist (pictured with his symbiont Kimberly). (His female appearance is the result of a bizarre accident while on a secret mission; it can only be discussed by Starfleet Admirals who need a good laugh.)
RIGHT: Lieutenant Commander Heavens is in charge of keeping all of the computer hardware and software working. Her knowledge is out-of-date; but so are the Murgatroid's hardware and software (Really? UNIX was based on a Klingon torture device?) She still doesn't understand why everyone laughs when she says "Heavens to Murgatroid" to her commbadge...

  
LEFT: Lieutenant Ana Ng was assigned to the Murgatroid straight out of the Academy -- because no other punishment they gave her had any impact. She still refuses to do her reports or show up for anything on time; so Storvik assigned her to share quarters with Lieutenant Train.
CENTER: Lieutenant Train requested transfer to the Murgatroid (the only member of the crew to have joined voluntarily) when she discovered that her academy lover, Shaquifa Picard, was actually the famous Jean Luc Picard in drag. Starfleet hushed up the incident, but an unauthorized account can be found in Star Trek LXIX: The Crying Game. (Note that homosexuals are allowed in Starfleet; they just somehow all end up assigned to the Murgatroid. Odd, that.)
RIGHT: Lieutenant Ditzbrain is the ship's helmsman. She often gets the ship lost, due to her tendency to use ancient crystals to navigate instead of 24th century technology; but she usually gets the ship to its destination eventually anyway because Ditzbrain, unlike Captain Jellico, is not afraid to stop for directions.)

 
LEFT: Ensign Robert MacAllister was previously an ambassador's aide with the rank of full commander until he inadvertantly caused the Federation-Cardassian War by trying to entertain a diplomatic conference with some simple magic tricks... Unfortunately, when he removed the Flokuvsee Gul's underwear through his armor, and revealed that the Gul shops from a "Vina's Secret" catalog; the Cardassians had no choice but to declare bloody war against the Federation to save face. MacAllister was demoted to a red-shirted ensign, transferred to the Murgatroid, and quickly forgotten.
RIGHT: Ensign Cameron GenX (pronounced "Jinx") Riker has the distinction of being the oldest (32) ensign in Starfleet; as well as the only one (since Wesley Crusher left the Enterprise) who still lives with his parents. He was admitted to Starfleet Academy solely on the recommendation of his cousin, then LTC William Riker (which is what actually cost Will Riker his captaincy; and very few people since then have asked Will Riker for a recommendation -- for anything). As Assistant Chief of Operations (there is no Chief of Ops, but Jellico refuses to give the job to Cameron), his job is to make sure all ship's operations are running smoothly (provided no emergencies occur before noon) and organize the various ship's raves and keggers.

  
LEFT: Lieutenants Exed and Ryo.
CENTER: Lieutenant Daremo, Chief of Insecurity, grew up on a recently-discovered Earth colony founded by refugees fleeing Khan's Eugenic Wars. Unlike his more informed mates on the Murgatroid, his vision of the universe seems to be almost totally formed by recordings of late 20th century television shows that were brought along on the sleeper ship. He refers to his cabin as his dojo. His duties include weapons research and development (though he is no longer allowed to test any of his weapons, and certainly not on board the ship!), assisting Lt. Picard in keeping the rest of the crew from smoking the plants that provide the ship's oxygen, and "warding evil shaolin spirits away from the ship". (No one knows what this means, but as no one has ever seen one, we guess he's doing his job.) Do not ask him to do his impression of the legendary Admiral James Tiberius Kirk singing that ancient Terran ditty, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."
RIGHT: We don't know why Lieutenant Nitsirk is so scary. She just is. (Note the symbiont on her chest that resembles a tattoo, but communicates by changing shapes and colors.)

  The Crew at "Work"  

 
LEFT: Lieutenant Heavens makes a rare trip to Engineering (most of the Engineering staff hasn't seen a female of any species in years).
RIGHT: Lieutenants Ng and Train, in the rare picture (only rare in that they weren't often photographed) that keeps them from being re-admitted to the Academy.

  
LEFT: Lieutenant Commander Quad Be'Otch (left) is head of the Murgatroid's whoop-ass security detail.
CENTER: Quad and Cabbage Patch, also known as the New Age Bitches.
RIGHT: Ensign Kenny, first redshirt to beam down on most away missions.

 
LEFT: Another member of the security detail. Everyone is afraid to ask him what his name is...
RIGHT: Commander Storvik demonstrates to Quad to preferred method of frisking suspects (as decreed by Captain Jellico).

 
Ship's botanist Alabama Picard (no relation) at work...

 
The Murgatroid has never bothered upgrading to the latest holographic equipment -- which means that they don't have the safety locks which all other Starfleet ships have (for all the good it does them); but they don't have the morality locks that they rest of Starfleet has either... At left are Qaren and Storvik utilizing old-style holographic "bee" projectors, and at right are two of the Murgatroid's most popular holo-programs, Robin (a sexual fantasy program) and Mister Stay-Puft. Only Captain Jellico runs them both simultaneously. No one knows why, or cares to know.

 
LEFT: Some of the crew, ready for shore leave!
RIGHT: Ng after a date with a Bolian (don't ask, don't tell -- PLEASE don't tell!)

  
Starfleet regs specifically forbid personnel from impersonating religious figures, but sometimes Jellico just can't resist.

  
LEFT: Cameron Riker departs for shore leave... Unfortunately, he found his way back.
CENTER: What he does on shore leave is anyone's guess...
RIGHT: Lieutenant Daremo is exposed to a barrage of toxic Troma particles on the planet Nuke-Em High and temporarily becomes Lieutenant Kabuki-Man, UFP!

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